Often, coaching clients come to me wanting to make changes in their lives but feel either overwhelmed or paralyzed. They have a sense of wanting to move towards something that feels positive, such as a new career, better communication in their relationships, an exciting new project, more fitness and self-care, etc., yet they don’t understand why they are so afraid and stuck.

Once we begin to unravel the thinking process, a few key issues become clear with most people:

*When considering change, people often focus on the ultimate goal as if it has to happen right now. “But, I am scared to just quit my job and start something new. It feels like jumping into the unknown,” many say. This kind of thinking is definitely terrifying! If you are assuming a career change means that you have to give up something safe and familiar for something completely un-charted, your whole system will naturally revolt.

I find that mapping out the process of change can be incredibly helpful for most people. Because we don’t usually leap from Step A to Step Z, having a clear plan for all the steps in between calms the mind. For a person changing careers, the first step might be something as simple as exploring interests or brainstorming ideas.  By starting with something that feels safe and doable (and even fun!) resistance is lowered.

*The sympathetic nervous system responds to change as if it is life-threatening, even when it is not! Any perceived stress can trigger the “flight or fight” response in the amygdala of the brain, a response that was regularly needed to kick us into gear when that tiger pounced out of the jungle, and is still with us today. So that frozen feeling you get when you think about speaking up in a conflict or the heart-racing panic you feel when thinking about your new venture are just natural protective mechanisms.

The easiest way to work with this unconscious reaction to change is to move so slowly that your system does not notice it! If you want to take better care of your body but feel totally overwhelmed at the thought of heading to the gym four times a week, start with walking down the block for five minutes every day. This might seem silly but once you get the momentum rolling and bypass your own resistance, you will create a pattern that is much more sustainable.

*Change brings up our limiting beliefs. For most people, anything risky causes us to open the whole file we keep in our brains about failure, needing to be accepted/loved, being seen/exposed and more. The challenge is that we often believe these messages and they keep us from trying anything that might prove them right. Unfortunately, this can also keep us from trying things that could make us incredibly happy too.

The good news is that limiting beliefs are all in your head. You formed them at some point because they kept you safe but they aren’t serving you anymore. By acknowledging and questioning them and then finding more supportive ways of thinking, you can override this autopilot in your mind. Read more about transforming limiting beliefs.

If you are considering a change but feel terrified or stuck, take heart! Your fear means that you are human like the rest of us! And, with careful awareness, you can move forward despite the inner resistance. Remember, change is actually the most predictable element in your life!

Tags: choice, fulfillment, intentions, perspective

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Living in the Northwest, I have developed a new relationship with sunshine. You see, I grew up in Texas, where we had more sunny, hot days than I could appreciate. But now, I consider sunshine to be a rare and precious commodity.

When I was a kid on our family ranch in West Texas, we had the exact opposite problem as we do here in Portland, Oregon. We had plenty of blue sky days, but a big shortage of rain. I can still hear my Abuelito’s (Grandfather’s) deep voice saying grace, “Lord, thank you for this food and please send us some rain.” The next day would bring a reminder: “Lord, we still need rain, thanks.”

The dry dusty high desert of Southwest Texas might only get a sparse 10 to 15 inches of rain per year (compared to a generous 40  inches here in Oregon). I can promise you that my Abuelito stood outside, took off his hat and praised the sky for every drop of rain that fed his cattle and crops.

This morning I was reminded of my Abuelito’s pure enjoyment of rain during Nia dance class. For a rare moment, the sun broke out of the heavy cloud cover and shone through the windows of the classroom.  A loud communal holler broke out from the dancers as we were immersed in golden light. Our energy rose, appreciating the joy of the moment.

We might not get much sun here in the Northwest, but we know how to pause and enjoy it when we do.

What feels rare and important in your life right now? Maybe it is time to nurture yourself or it might be time to connect with your  family or loved ones. Perhaps you don’t get many creative bursts these days or not enough sleep, exercise, adventure…the list could go on and on.

Whatever it is for you, I challenge you to learn from my Abuelito. When you do find that rare moment, that precious beam of sunlight, immerse yourself in it with deep appreciation. I promise that you will get more from ten minutes of being fully present than you will get from ten hours of barely noticing.

Tags: awareness, fulfillment, listening, perspective, shift-your-thinking

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How many times have you wanted to change something in yourself or in your life but were overwhelmed at even the thought of such a big undertaking? Have you ever jumped right into change, only to fizzle out or discover it wasn’t even what you wanted?

Sustainable change often comes from tiny, purposeful steps in a positive direction. My blog for Zenana Spa and Wellness Center today is all about how to Dream Big, Start Small. Give it a read and I bet you will be inspired to take a tiny step yourself!

Tags: change, choice, fulfillment, intentions, perspective, priorities, shift-your-thinking

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Happy New Year!

2010 not only ushers in a new year, it is also the beginning of a new decade. 2009 was a rough year for many people and several clients and friends shared with me their relief that it is over. From economic hardship to illness and relationship challenges, some folks were put through the wringer.

Before you get busy making your New Year’s intentions, I challenge you to pause and reflect on 2009. It is easy to get excited about making a new start and plan everything you want to change, hoping for more fulfillment in the new year.  While intentions can be really helpful, they can also be an excuse to escape the present reality and project a future that might not even be the one you really want.

I am going to suggest a more sustainable and honest way to create change for the new year.

1. Reflect on your journey. A lot happened last year. You might experienced some losses or accomplished something incredible. Or both. Everything that happened (positive or negative) got you to this very moment in your life. And this moment is the launching pad for the next 525, 948 minutes of 2010.

If you are too busy focusing on what comes next without really acknowledging where you are right now, you might have a pretty big gap (maybe even one that is difficult to hurdle) between where you are and where you want to be.

2. Acknowledge what you have learned. You grew last year. You are wiser and know things you didn’t know before. Even the really difficult experiences expanded you in some way. Make a list (right now) of everything you learned last year. Once you have done that, look at how you can apply your new tools to the new year.

3. Get to know the you of 2009. Who were you last year? In your proud moments and in the ones that took you to your knees, what kind of person were you being? We often get so caught up in what we have or what we can do, we forget that our biggest asset is actually who we are.

Take a few minutes to write a paragraph describing yourself last year. If you were a compassionate witness observing yourself, what would you say about the person you were in 2009?

4. What comes next? Now that you know where you have come from, what you have learned and who you were last year, allow yourself to be very curious about your next steps. Do you like the path this current you is forging? Would you like to change directions? If so, what is the easiest and most natural way to do so?

This process will help you create intentions that are more sustainable and authentic than the typical new year’s resolutions! Drop me a line or leave a comment and share what you learned from this exercise!

Tags: Being Present, fulfillment, shift-your-thinking, success, success with goals

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My last post on the obstacles to being present generated several questions from my regular readers about what they can do to begin to practice being more mindful. It can be helpful to first remember a time when you had the experience of being present.

We all have had experiences that made us very present and conscious: pleasurable moments of enjoying a meal or treat so much that we were captivated by the flavor, smells and texture; intimate encounters with someone who we love that made us very present in our bodies; heart-breaking losses that brought grief so close, we felt fully immersed in emotion.

I regularly hear clients sharing about painful experiences that made them very present to what is real and important in their lives. From going through cancer treatment to losing a loved one, sometimes pain is a powerful presence instigator.

Can you remember a time when you were very aware of the present moment? It might have felt almost like time stood still and everything around you sharpened. You noticed something you had never noticed before. You experienced clarity and connection to your emotions and body sensations.

It could have been enjoying the most amazing creme brulee of your life or it could have been standing at the altar, staring into your partner’s eyes, but I bet you can remember something that triggered a state of presence for you.

Take a few moments right now to remember an event that made you very present in your body and emotions. Allow yourself to feel the experience as if it were happening now. What sensations do you feel? What is important to you as you immerse yourself in the moment? What do you know with clarity?

What would it take for you to be this present in the very next moment of your life, no matter what is happening?

Tags: choice, intentions, perspective, shift-your-thinking

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Often clients come to me with the goal of being more present in their lives. They have a sense of precious moments passing them by, their relationships could use more loving attention, and their bodies are begging them to slow down and be more mindful.

And yet they are surprised at how hard it is to practice presence.

I often hear feedback along these lines:

I went home and paid attention to how my body was feeling, but it only lasted a few seconds and then my mind was spinning again and I forgot my body completely.

I try to really listen when my toddler talks to me but honestly, I get so bored and then I start to remember all the things I need to get done and I feel distracted.

I want to be present, I really do. But, I just can’t stay focused more than a few minutes and then I find myself worrying about something that might happen or remembering something that already happened. Then I get mad at myself for getting caught up in these thoughts.

Let’s be honest: Being present is not easy nor does it come naturally to those of us raised in a productivity-oriented culture. From the minute we are born, we learn that our value is measured by what we accomplish, the items we check off on our many To-Do lists. Life moves so fast, we spend much of our time processing what happened in the past or stressing out about what is coming up in the future.

Before you get too hard on yourself about what a failure you are at being present, it is helpful to look at the obstacles you might be experiencing.

Common Obstacles to Being Present:

1. You are not sure how to do it! Often people are confused by what it means to “be present.” Because it is not something most of us have learned from an early age, it feels foreign to us.

“Mindfulness practice” can be a very helpful tool. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a well-respected mindfulness teacher, says: “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”

Sound easy? It’s not! Being mindful is consciously bringing your attention and awareness into the present moment while observing the emotions, thoughts, sensations, memories and judgments that come up. Instead of reacting to what arises, mindfulness practice invites you to witness your feelings and thoughts while staying rooted in the present experience.

For most of us, it is helpful to have some guidance when beginning mindfulness practice. Working with an experienced teacher or coach, reading books that offer helpful tools or listening to CDs can be very supportive and instructive.

2. Something needs your attention. It can be difficult to be mindful when you are avoiding something that is demanding your attention. When you have unspoken words that continue to surface in your mind or a painful memory that needs healing, you are continually distracted from the present so that you can pay attention to what needs to be completed.

3. You have unmet needs in the moment. Perhaps you are trying to be present with your child, but your back is screaming in pain. Or you want to listen to your partner, but you are feeling triggered and reactive and just need a break. Being mindful is often about being honest. If the thing you are most present to in this moment is an unmet need, tending to that will make you more available in the long run.

4.  You are stuck in an addictive pattern. Perhaps you are a chronic worrier or in a cycle of anxiety. Or you get sucked into the computer or TV and can’t seem to stop checking your email, Facebook or the news. Maybe your identity is very attached to being productive and taking the time to pause and reflect in the present feels impossible. In Buddhism, the busy, untrained mind is called the “monkey mind” and is considered the cause of much suffering.

Like any addiction, chronic busyness (in thoughts and action) takes awareness and commitment to change. And the first step is just realizing that it is an actual problem, not just a state of “being busy.”

5. You don’t realize the benefits of being present.What percentage of your life are you actually awake and alive to the present moment? Most people spend only a fraction of their time actually in the moment they are living. But the reality is that if you want to make any positive impact in your life, it is going to happen in the present!

By practicing presence and mindfulness, you are better able to make empowered choices, access inner clarity, change habits and learn to trust yourself.

Take some time this week to discover your own obstacles to being present and then take action: get in the present before it passes you by! Check back for a post on some simple steps to begin your mindfulness practice.

Tags: Being Present, change, choices, listening, mindfulness, perspective, shift-your-thinking

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As a personal coach for women, I often have clients arrive in my office when they are ready for change. Usually the impetus for change comes from frustration with a relationship, job situation or health challenge.

As humans, we often look outside of ourselves for answers. We think if we can just get our partners to act or think a particular way, we will be happier. If we can only land the ideal job, then everything will come together, including our finances. Or if things weren’t so difficult in our lives, we would feel better.

If I have learned anything about positive change, it is that it comes from within.

In the words of Leo Tolstoy, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

When you are truly ready for your life experiences to be different, start by taking a look at yourself first.

However, for most of us, looking in the “mirror” leads to self-judgment rather than self-empowerment. And here is where it gets tricky! You will never (and I really believe this) make sustainable, positive changes in your life from a place of self-judgment.

Sure, you might go to the gym more often if every time you look in the mirror, you can’t stand what you see. But, this is a slippery slope. Tying your self-worth to being an ideal weight can lead to guilt and self-sabotage. If you want to be more fit and healthy, love yourself just as you are enough to give your body the exercise it needs.

And instead of struggling to get another person to be different, ask yourself : what can I change in myself first? Often the very thing we want from other people is the key to our own happiness when we do it ourselves.

If you are craving understanding from your partner, take some time to look inside and see how you can be more understanding of yourself. Likewise, how can you be more understanding of your partner?

I invite you to consider all the areas of your life that are challenging for you right now. Notice how you might be trying to forcibly change an outside person or situation. As an experiement, consider what you might shift within yourself first. I promise that you will have surprisingly positive results!

Tags: acceptance, awareness, basic human needs, choice, Communication, fulfillment, health, perspective, self-love, Self-Nurture, shift-your-thinking

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I see it every week: A woman comes into my office with a vague sense of discontent. Her life is going fairly well but something is… missing. She considers changing careers, worries about the longevity of her intimate relationship and is struggling to take better care of herself.

She often feels “stuck,” but is not sure why.

She thinks she is coming to see me for support in rearranging her external life: accomplishing her goals, making a plan for a new career or venture and  getting some accountability for changes in diet and exercise.

As we work together, she discovers some core thoughts and beliefs that lead directly to her feelings of dissatisfaction. Before she changes jobs or leaves her husband, she needs to change her thinking.

New research backs up a basic principle of coaching: Changing your thinking patterns literally leads to changes in the brain, positively impacting emotional health.

Time Magazine’s recent article, “How The Brain Rewires Itself,” looks at several studies on the amazing “neuroplasticity,” the ability to change structure and function based on experience in the human adult brain.

“The brain can change as a result of the thoughts we think, as with Pascual-Leone’s virtual piano players. This has important implications for health: something as seemingly insubstantial as a thought can affect the very stuff of the brain, altering neuronal connections in a way that can treat mental illness or, perhaps, lead to a greater capacity for empathy and compassion. It may even dial up the supposedly immovable happiness set point.”

Most of my clients find that once they shift their thinking, their external reality changes as well.

But, it happens more naturally and easily in response to the inner changes. After they “change their minds,” they typically have a greater sense of clarity about what they really want!

Tags: awareness, Being Present, change, choices, fulfillment, inner conflict, priorities, self-limiting beliefs, success with goals

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Did you do the self-limiting beliefs exercise in Part I? If so, what did you learn about the thoughts that limit you and keep you stuck?

The good news is that these thoughts are in your mind and you are the one that gives them power and meaning! That means… you can change them! As a matter of fact, you are the only one who can!

How?

Through a powerful process of inquiry that doesn’t just work with your conscious mind, it allows your deeper consciousness to participate as well.

Step 1: Identify the thought or belief. A common one that comes up with women is: “Taking care of myself is selfish.”

Step 2: Ask yourself: How does this thought/belief make me feel? Thinking that taking care of yourself is selfish is likely to make you feel resentful, tired and cranky. Every time you have an opportunity to rest or nurture yourself, your mind tells you that you should be productive or that someone else needs your attention. If you follow that self-limiting thought, you are going to burn yourself out and not be very fun to be around!

Step 3: Consider:  Where did this thought/belief come from? Perhaps you had selfless female role models who never took time for themselves (and maybe made others pay for it later). You might get this idea from cultural beliefs about the way women or mothers should act. Maybe you have a deep feeling of unworthiness that says that you have not earned or do not deserve to take care of yourself. Often women come to the deeper self-limiting belief that says: “I am not worth taking care of.”

Step 4: Be curious: Is this thought/belief 100% true? Does self-care automatically equate selfishness? Most women that I know who are worried about being selfish are the ones who are so committed to their families, work or community that they give and give and give… Selfishness is being so concerned with yourself that you never think of or care for the needs of others. True self-care is simply being in balance: caring for yourself and others!

Step 5: Shift it!  If the self-limiting thought is not true, what would be a more honest thought/belief that also reflects your values? Of course you want to care for others and you truly need to take care of yourself so that you have love and attention to share. A new thought might be: When I take care of myself, I have more to give to the people and activities in my life!

Step 6: Take action!  What can I do that reflects my new thought/belief? Self-limiting thinking is addictive and we have formed habits that correspond with these thoughts. In order to truly change them, you have to be willing to form new habits. If you are committed to taking better care of yourself so you have more to share with those you love, you might finally listen to your body and start going to yoga. Maybe you are going to let something go that you have been doing out of obligation. Or perhaps you will take some time each week to paint, dance or practice your favorite musical instrument. Chose something that nourishes you!

Transforming self-limiting thinking will change your life and relationships. And,  you are doing it as much for those you love as for yourself.  When you are not willing to buy into limiting thoughts, you inspire those around you to question their own. If you are a parent, you will be teaching your children to think more positively.

Leave a comment and share what self-limiting thought/belief you are shifting!

Tags: acceptance, awareness, choice, fulfillment, health, priorities, self-limiting beliefs, success

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I often work with women entrepreneurs who identify closely with their businesses. They want their business to match their values, represent the best aspects of themselves and positively impact others. Some people call this “Soul-Centered Business”.

Recently, I took a wonderful workshop with a small one-woman company called Good Karma Marketing, Small Actions Create Big Results! Besides developing a marketing plan that really works to serve my clients (rather than sell to them), I also was able to refine my USP (unique selling proposition). This is the central message that allows your clients to know who you are and what is special about what you offer.

I wrote a short blog about clarifying your USP for Mamapreneurs, Inc., if you are a business owner, you are going to want to read it!

Are you curious about my USP?

It is simply: I know and believe in women and inspire them to know and trust themselves.

Clarity is my central message. When my clients have clarity they feel empowered to take action, they know what choices to make, are more intentional and aligned with purpose. They trust themselves, so that no matter what they are working with: business development, relationship challenges, health habits, life transitions…they know what steps to take.

Tags: Communication, success

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