Many of my clients suffer from what I call the “perfection trap.” This sneaky pit is easy to fall into when you are trying too hard to do everything just right. When you over-worry about failure or looking bad, you back yourself right into the devious clutches of “it’s never good enough” – and never done.

What is the easiest way to fall into it the perfection trap? By comparing yourself to someone else.

The biggest problem with the perfection trap is that it is difficult to escape. Some people live their whole lives inside of it. From the inside, it seems that everything is more difficult and personal connections are complicated. There is a vague sense of longing for more ease, more passion, but the harder you claw your way towards it from inside the trap, the further away it seems.

The world outside the perfection trap is messier. There is more space for error and exploration…and creativity!  Your relationships are more authentic because people can come closer to you.  You are willing to try and learn new things – and even fail – creating more possibility in your life.

How do you escape this tricky trap?

Accept yourself right now, just as you are and be willing to grow. Your imperfections make you who you are instead of a photocopy of an unachievable ideal. Everything you have been through, every sag and scar, your disappointments, quirks and fears, all tell an important story about your experience during your lifetime.

Your true nature shines through only when you are willing to stand in the open.

I have a gift for you: There is nothing wrong with you.  You might have some problems, but that is a natural part of being human.  How you learn and grow from your challenges, rather than hide in the shade of perfection, is the beauty of you.

“Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”— Leonard Cohen

Tags: acceptance, awareness, clarity, creativity, fulfillment, healing, perspective, self-limiting beliefs, shift-your-thinking

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“I know that will never happen for me,” my client said dejectedly as she described her dream job. “He never listens…I doubt that will ever change,” huffed another client about her husband of 10 years.

My good friend Rev. Susan Leo once said “certainty is the opposite of faith.”

I think she meant that when we think we know exactly what something or someone is, we lose our ability to trust in the mysterious and ever-changing nature of most everything. Our fixed version of reality rarely holds all the possibility that exists.

Doubt can actually be good, especially when it comes to limited ways of thinking. It can create room for exploration and for the kinds of questions that can open doors. Doubt is even helpful when you have an overly positive certainty because it allows you to creatively prepare for potential obstacles.

Doubt can actually inspire deeper clarity.

I describe clarity as the inner knowing that allows you to see to the heart of the matter. That is hard to do if you are clinging to your false notions of what something is or isn’t. The tighter you hold on, the more energy you expend.

Take a moment to think about a challenging area of your life where you feel absolutely certain. What would be different if you allowed some doubt to come into your awareness?

Maybe that person isn’t always going to be so difficult. Maybe they aren’t even as difficult as you assume right now.  Whether you are struggling financially, feel stuck in an unfulfilling job or relationship, or convinced that you don’t have what it takes to create the life you secretly crave, loosen your hold on certainty and you will create more possibilities.

Clients often come to coaching hoping I have the answers to their problems. Thankfully (whew) I do not!  If I did, they would depend on me rather than themselves for clarity.

What I do offer is trust in yourself: that if we ask the clarity-inspiring questions and pay close attention, the answers will always come. And they do. Time and time again.

Tags: awareness, choice, clarity, fulfillment, life coaching, perspective, positive change, shift-your-thinking, trust, women

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One of the (many) reasons that life coaching works is the focus on what is already going well. When clients are ready to make important changes in their lives, I often turn their attention to what is already working for them. In other words,  gratitude.

It can be easy to focus on problems. The big brick wall you see standing between you and the man/job/creative venture/ect… of your dreams is hard to miss. But, if you are only looking at that cold, rough surface, you might forget that you have scaled walls before and even have a special skill you can use. Or maybe you are so entranced with how tall the wall is, you don’t take the time to see if it is really as long as you feared. Did you forget about all the friends you have who could hold the ladder while you climb?

The benefits of gratitude are scientifically proven. Robert Emmons of UC Davis performed a series of studies on gratitude with some of the following results:

• Those who kept a gratitude journal exercised more frequently and had fewer physical symptoms
• They had better success with a large range of personal and professional goals
• They were more likely to help someone else or offer emotional support
• A group with neuromuscular disease reported better energy levels, mood and sleep

Is there an area of your life where you would like to have more clarity or fulfillment? Do you have a big change you navigating? If so, make gratitude a regular practice; I promise that it will open your heart to greater possibilities!

Tags: change, clairty, creativity, fulfillment, gratitude, intentions, perspective, shift-your-thinking, success with goals

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Photo by Campbell Salgado Studio

The 2010 Portland Mama Makeover is coming to an end this week. It has been an amazing experience to work with Andrea Moore, this year’s winner. I had the honor of being her personal life coach for this healing journey; we cried, laughed and dreamed together over the two months.

After weekly sessions of Pilates, acupuncture, bodywork, coaching and more, the changes in her are dramatic. She is stronger, sits up taller and holds herself with more intention. Her after-makeover photo session with Campbell Salgado Studios speaks volumes about the difference this experience has had in her body.

Her energy level has increased and she often talks about a new feeling of “aliveness.” She has had some incredible moments of clarity that are opening doors in her life in several directions. I can’t wait to see which ones she chooses to step through!

Andrea wrote a tender blog about our coaching work together. If you want to be inspired by a woman who is truly willing to live fully, even after suffering a devastating loss, take a moment to read her story.

I am already looking forward to next year’s Mama Makeover!

Tags: change, healing, health, intentions, Mama Makeover, mothering, Personal Growth, Self-Nurture, shift-your-thinking, success with goals

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Last week I had the pleasure of being interviewed on Single and Unplugged, an internet radio show dedicated to supporting and inspiring single parents. My topic was self nurture: how to tend to yourself when time and money are often limited. It was a great show and I think the information and insights are relevant to any busy parent, single or partnered. Please listen and share with your friends!

Tags: choice, fulfillment, intentions, mothering, priorities, self care, self-limiting beliefs, self-love, Self-Nurture, shift-your-thinking, Time management

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If I accept the job as a teacher, then I will be giving up on my dream as a writer.

When I take time for myself, I am taking away from my family.

if I get married, I won’t be able to make my own decisions anymore.

I have heard each of these statements from clients in my office. They are perfect examples of  “either/or” thinking. This thought pattern tricks you into believing that if you choose one thing, then you can’t also have another.

It is a trap that can be easy to fall into, especially since most of us have a file of previous disappointments that we access every time we are faced with a decision. In the past you might have learned that you had to give up things that you cared about in order to survive.

When you believe you have limited options, your dreams seem very unreachable. You fall into a trance that convinces you that if you say “yes” to something that makes you feel alive, you must say “no” to something else that is also important.

The sad fact is that this way of thinking takes away all of your innate resourcefulness. Inside of you is a creative wisdom that can find many more possibilities than just two options. Your inner wisdom is certain that you can make money and express your creativity, that you can have time for yourself and take care of your loved ones, that you can be in an intimate relationship and maintain your autonomy.

Often the voice of fear and limitation speaks so loudly, it can be challenging to hear that inner knowing. One way to create more space for creative thinking is to question your assumptions. If you find yourself in the “either/or” trap, try the following exercise:

1. Write out exactly, word for word, the dilemma you are experiencing. Something like this: “If I take the teaching job, I won’t be able to be a writer. “
2. Brainstorm all the possible alternatives. For example: I could look for a teaching job more related writing. I could use my experiences as a teacher to gather more ideas for my writing. Since school is out in the summer, I could write full-time in the summer…. And so on.
3. Ask the most creative, open-minded person you know for insight about your situation. Often having another perspective can be the key to uncovering a win-win solution. Don’t run your dilemma by anyone who might reinforce the very limitations you are hoping to challenge.

Often the circumstances where you feel most stuck can lead to your biggest self-discoveries. When you approach your conflicts as opportunities to think even more creatively, you are flexing your inner wisdom muscles. The stronger this inner knowing becomes, the easier it will be for you to find win-win solutions to even the most challenging situations.

Tags: choice, creative thinking, creativity, fulfillment, inner conflict, perspective, possibility, relationships, self-limiting thoughts, shift-your-thinking, success, think outside the box

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I am so thrilled to be a part of the Portland Mama Makeover essay contest giveaway! We had more than 200 women apply and so many who really deserve the nurturing of this special opportunity. So much so that we decided to choose 4 runners-up! If you want to read about the mamas who were chosen and all the self-care they are going to experience, check out the Mama Makeover site!

I have been in contact with the winner Andrea Moore and can’t wait to start our 6 life coaching sessions! She is a truly committed mama to Sophia, almost 12, Maddy, 2 and a half, and their Angel: Michael Dominic who lived 15 days on earth. She is healing from the loss of her precious baby and ready to focus some attention on herself and “start living again.” This 8 week holistic makeover will give her the support and tools that she needs to do just that. If you want to follow her journey and cheer her on every step of the way, please bookmark the Mama Makeover blog where she will be posting updates!

It is an honor for me to work with women who are truly ready for positive change and greater clarity in their lives!

Tags: change, mothering, perspective

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Here are some photos of the Vision Maps (in progress) from our recent Vision Mapping workshop! It was so fun to see the artful intentions that each woman created to add clarity and focus for their goals.

Tags: choice, choices, fulfillment, perspective, priorities, Self-Nurture, success, success with goals

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Often, coaching clients come to me wanting to make changes in their lives but feel either overwhelmed or paralyzed. They have a sense of wanting to move towards something that feels positive, such as a new career, better communication in their relationships, an exciting new project, more fitness and self-care, etc., yet they don’t understand why they are so afraid and stuck.

Once we begin to unravel the thinking process, a few key issues become clear with most people:

*When considering change, people often focus on the ultimate goal as if it has to happen right now. “But, I am scared to just quit my job and start something new. It feels like jumping into the unknown,” many say. This kind of thinking is definitely terrifying! If you are assuming a career change means that you have to give up something safe and familiar for something completely un-charted, your whole system will naturally revolt.

I find that mapping out the process of change can be incredibly helpful for most people. Because we don’t usually leap from Step A to Step Z, having a clear plan for all the steps in between calms the mind. For a person changing careers, the first step might be something as simple as exploring interests or brainstorming ideas.  By starting with something that feels safe and doable (and even fun!) resistance is lowered.

*The sympathetic nervous system responds to change as if it is life-threatening, even when it is not! Any perceived stress can trigger the “flight or fight” response in the amygdala of the brain, a response that was regularly needed to kick us into gear when that tiger pounced out of the jungle, and is still with us today. So that frozen feeling you get when you think about speaking up in a conflict or the heart-racing panic you feel when thinking about your new venture are just natural protective mechanisms.

The easiest way to work with this unconscious reaction to change is to move so slowly that your system does not notice it! If you want to take better care of your body but feel totally overwhelmed at the thought of heading to the gym four times a week, start with walking down the block for five minutes every day. This might seem silly but once you get the momentum rolling and bypass your own resistance, you will create a pattern that is much more sustainable.

*Change brings up our limiting beliefs. For most people, anything risky causes us to open the whole file we keep in our brains about failure, needing to be accepted/loved, being seen/exposed and more. The challenge is that we often believe these messages and they keep us from trying anything that might prove them right. Unfortunately, this can also keep us from trying things that could make us incredibly happy too.

The good news is that limiting beliefs are all in your head. You formed them at some point because they kept you safe but they aren’t serving you anymore. By acknowledging and questioning them and then finding more supportive ways of thinking, you can override this autopilot in your mind. Read more about transforming limiting beliefs.

If you are considering a change but feel terrified or stuck, take heart! Your fear means that you are human like the rest of us! And, with careful awareness, you can move forward despite the inner resistance. Remember, change is actually the most predictable element in your life!

Tags: choice, fulfillment, intentions, perspective

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Living in the Northwest, I have developed a new relationship with sunshine. You see, I grew up in Texas, where we had more sunny, hot days than I could appreciate. But now, I consider sunshine to be a rare and precious commodity.

When I was a kid on our family ranch in West Texas, we had the exact opposite problem as we do here in Portland, Oregon. We had plenty of blue sky days, but a big shortage of rain. I can still hear my Abuelito’s (Grandfather’s) deep voice saying grace, “Lord, thank you for this food and please send us some rain.” The next day would bring a reminder: “Lord, we still need rain, thanks.”

The dry dusty high desert of Southwest Texas might only get a sparse 10 to 15 inches of rain per year (compared to a generous 40  inches here in Oregon). I can promise you that my Abuelito stood outside, took off his hat and praised the sky for every drop of rain that fed his cattle and crops.

This morning I was reminded of my Abuelito’s pure enjoyment of rain during Nia dance class. For a rare moment, the sun broke out of the heavy cloud cover and shone through the windows of the classroom.  A loud communal holler broke out from the dancers as we were immersed in golden light. Our energy rose, appreciating the joy of the moment.

We might not get much sun here in the Northwest, but we know how to pause and enjoy it when we do.

What feels rare and important in your life right now? Maybe it is time to nurture yourself or it might be time to connect with your  family or loved ones. Perhaps you don’t get many creative bursts these days or not enough sleep, exercise, adventure…the list could go on and on.

Whatever it is for you, I challenge you to learn from my Abuelito. When you do find that rare moment, that precious beam of sunlight, immerse yourself in it with deep appreciation. I promise that you will get more from ten minutes of being fully present than you will get from ten hours of barely noticing.

Tags: awareness, fulfillment, listening, perspective, shift-your-thinking

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