Every so often, I am awed by the utter courage of one my clients. Remember, courage is feeling the fear and still taking right action. This type of courage requires profound clarity and oodles of support (queue Jane Sibery singing “Calling All Angels”).

One such inspiring client made a courageous leap in her life this week and wrote a manifesto to declare her intentions. She has given me permission to share it! Click on the image to see a larger version.

By Zohar Manor-Abel, shared via Flickr

To begin 2012, I have a simple question for you: Who do you want to be this year?

You, like everyone else I have met through my life coaching practice, have many different selves inside. You might have a worried self that tends to agonize about money and a jaded self that feels skeptical about getting too close to people and a hopeful self that wants to have an impact on the world…and many other selves that have conflicting feelings.

The themes might be different for each of us, but the truth is clear: moment to moment, we can choose who to be.

Every action you take and attitude you hold comes from some version of your self. So, change who you are being…and you truly change your life.

The very first step is to be mindful (pay compassionate attention) to who you are being. You might ask yourself: How do I feel right now? What does this version of myself believe? What else feels true?

If you would like to explore this more, I invite you to join my next Self Nurture Women’s Group. We will practice important skills like: mindfulness, self-compassion, connecting to inner knowing and more!

Photo by lensfodder, shared via flickr

People often come to life coaching wanting to change the circumstances of their lives: they want a more fulfilling job, better communication in their relationships, improved health, ect… In a nutshell: they want to be happier!

In our work together, they soon discover that happiness is not about what happens and that it can even be somewhat dangerous to their well-being to make happiness depend on the right job, relationship or finally achieving their health goals.

Are you wondering why? Isn’t that just what they are hiring me to help them accomplish?

Circumstances are transitory and depending on them for happiness is a fragile way to live. It can leave you exhausted and anxious from trying to hold on too tight.

In my years is supporting people in having more joyful lives, I have learned that happiness is an attitude. It is inspired, not by what happens, but by who you are being in relationship to what happens.

I have witnessed clients realizing their own strength and wisdom in dealing with some of the most challenging of situations. I have seen them shift perspective from fear to choice even when the options once felt limited. And I have been awed by how gratitude can create a lasting happiness that has nothing to do with happenstance.

And the irony is that life situations do react to our inner state of being. The more joyful and centered we choose to be, despite difficulties that arise (and they do), the more life seems to align in our favor.

But taking action can be difficult. You might be frozen by fear, stuck in old patterns and habits or lose your certainty once it becomes time to actually do something about it.

Don’t worry, you are not alone! This is not your problem, this is a human problem. And the solution is close. As a matter of fact, it is right there in your heart. So, don’t get lost in your fear mind when it comes time to take steps towards your truth. Slow down and listen carefully. The clarity already knows the exact right action to take.

I use mindfulness in client sessions because it allows us to do just that: pay careful attention to the inner voice and see the obstacles more clearly.

*This is re-posted from my Clarity Speaking e-letter. If you would like to get sweet short burst of clarity in your in-box a couple of times per month, you can subscribe here.

By Leo Reynolds via Flickr

In my life coaching work with women, I am regularly faced with the honor and challenge of helping clients mitigate the negative impacts of perfectionism.

One of my primary tools for working with clients who are highly self-critical is self-compassion.

An article this week on MSNBC describes recent research showing self-compassion to be much more important to resilience and personal happiness than self-esteem. I see this every day in my office when a client finally, often after years of listening to the internal critical voice, begins to hear a more compassionate ally within.

The cultural focus on self-esteem has misdirected parents to either over-praise kids or push them relentlessly towards performance. According to the article,  “But now scientists are realizing they may have been measuring the wrong thing; all the benefits of having high self-esteem are equally found among the self-compassionate, said psychologist Mark Leary, a researcher at Duke University. And when statistically looking at self-compassion alone, the negative aspects of high self-esteem, such as narcissism, disappear.”

The depression, anxiety and stress of perfectionism also lessen or disappear when self-compassion is practiced.

Kristin Neff, associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin (my alma mater)  is spearheading research on self-compassion. Her book, “Self Compassion, Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind” was published this Spring.

Neff defines self-compassion through three aspects: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.

In my practice, I regularly use mindfulness with clients to help them pay careful attention to their own thoughts, feelings and body sensations. This creates an ability to self-reflect and be more present and takes them out of automatic critical mode.

My understanding of common humanity is simple this: we are all connected and none of us is alone in experiencing difficulty. Normalizing common feelings can be hugely helpful in inspiring self-compassion. It also increases a sense of personal courage to know that other people have similar feelings and experiences.

And kindness is an attitude that must be directed both inwardly and outwardly. The true measure of compassion is not the ability to be kind to others, but the ability to be kind to oneself. And the research is showing this to be absolutely true.

Researcher Mark Leary says,”Self-compassion begins to sound like you are indulging yourself, but we don’t find that. People high in self-compassion tend to have higher standards, work harder and take more personal responsibility for their actions.”

If you are focusing on some New Year’s intentions or resolutions, I encourage you to read my column this month in Portland Woman Magazine. It is all about the 5 reasons most resolutions fail and how to insure that your resolution sticks! Just hit click on Portland Woman Magazine (link here) and then click on the current issue. You can then use the scroll button on the bottom left hand page to choose my column, “Get a Life (coach)!” The article will open right up. Use the magnifying glass icon to zoom in and make the print larger. Enjoy!

No matter how you feel about resolutions this year, I encourage you to invest some time and energy into thinking about who you want to be in 2011. You see, every day you wake up and make choices, not just through your actions but also through your beingness. This year do you want to be the victim or the hero of your circumstances? Will you be the healer of your own heart or will you continue to judge yourself? Will you be the creator of your most secret dreams or will you stifle them once again?

Above all, my hope for you this year: come home to yourself. Be the most authentic you possible!

When I was a kid on our family ranch in West Texas, we had the exact opposite problem as we do here in Portland, Oregon. We had plenty of blue sky days, but a big shortage of rain. I can still hear my Abuelito’s (Grandfather’s) deep voice saying grace, “Lord, thank you for this food and please send us some rain.” The next day would bring a reminder: “Lord, we still need rain, thanks.”

The dry dusty high desert of Southwest Texas might only get a sparse 10 to 15 inches of rain per year (compared to a generous 40  inches here in Oregon). I can promise you that my Abuelito stood outside, took off his hat and praised the sky for every drop of rain that fed his cattle and crops.

This morning I was reminded of my Abuelito’s pure enjoyment of rain during Nia dance class. For a rare moment, the sun broke out of the heavy cloud cover and shone through the windows of the classroom.  A loud communal holler broke out from the dancers as we were immersed in golden light. Our energy rose, appreciating the joy of the moment.

We might not get much sun here in the Northwest, but we know how to pause and enjoy it when we do.

What feels rare and important in your life right now? Maybe it is time to nurture yourself or it might be time to connect with your  family or loved ones. Perhaps you don’t get many creative bursts these days or not enough sleep, exercise, adventure…the list could go on and on.

Whatever it is for you, I challenge you to learn from my Abuelito. When you do find that rare moment, that precious beam of sunlight, immerse yourself in it with deep appreciation. I promise that you will get more from ten minutes of being fully present than you will get from ten hours of barely noticing.

We all have had experiences that made us very present and conscious: pleasurable moments of enjoying a meal or treat so much that we were captivated by the flavor, smells and texture; intimate encounters with someone who we love that made us very present in our bodies; heart-breaking losses that brought grief so close, we felt fully immersed in emotion.

I regularly hear clients sharing about painful experiences that made them very present to what is real and important in their lives. From going through cancer treatment to losing a loved one, sometimes pain is a powerful presence instigator.

Can you remember a time when you were very aware of the present moment? It might have felt almost like time stood still and everything around you sharpened. You noticed something you had never noticed before. You experienced clarity and connection to your emotions and body sensations.

It could have been enjoying the most amazing creme brulee of your life or it could have been standing at the altar, staring into your partner’s eyes, but I bet you can remember something that triggered a state of presence for you.

Take a few moments right now to remember an event that made you very present in your body and emotions. Allow yourself to feel the experience as if it were happening now. What sensations do you feel? What is important to you as you immerse yourself in the moment? What do you know with clarity?

What would it take for you to be this present in the very next moment of your life, no matter what is happening?

And yet they are surprised at how hard it is to practice presence.

I often hear feedback along these lines:

I went home and paid attention to how my body was feeling, but it only lasted a few seconds and then my mind was spinning again and I forgot my body completely.

I try to really listen when my toddler talks to me but honestly, I get so bored and then I start to remember all the things I need to get done and I feel distracted.

I want to be present, I really do. But, I just can’t stay focused more than a few minutes and then I find myself worrying about something that might happen or remembering something that already happened. Then I get mad at myself for getting caught up in these thoughts.

Let’s be honest: Being present is not easy nor does it come naturally to those of us raised in a productivity-oriented culture. From the minute we are born, we learn that our value is measured by what we accomplish, the items we check off on our many To-Do lists. Life moves so fast, we spend much of our time processing what happened in the past or stressing out about what is coming up in the future.

Before you get too hard on yourself about what a failure you are at being present, it is helpful to look at the obstacles you might be experiencing.

Common Obstacles to Being Present:

1. You are not sure how to do it! Often people are confused by what it means to “be present.” Because it is not something most of us have learned from an early age, it feels foreign to us.

“Mindfulness practice” can be a very helpful tool. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a well-respected mindfulness teacher, says: “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”

Sound easy? It’s not! Being mindful is consciously bringing your attention and awareness into the present moment while observing the emotions, thoughts, sensations, memories and judgments that come up. Instead of reacting to what arises, mindfulness practice invites you to witness your feelings and thoughts while staying rooted in the present experience.

For most of us, it is helpful to have some guidance when beginning mindfulness practice. Working with an experienced teacher or coach, reading books that offer helpful tools or listening to CDs can be very supportive and instructive.

2. Something needs your attention. It can be difficult to be mindful when you are avoiding something that is demanding your attention. When you have unspoken words that continue to surface in your mind or a painful memory that needs healing, you are continually distracted from the present so that you can pay attention to what needs to be completed.

3. You have unmet needs in the moment. Perhaps you are trying to be present with your child, but your back is screaming in pain. Or you want to listen to your partner, but you are feeling triggered and reactive and just need a break. Being mindful is often about being honest. If the thing you are most present to in this moment is an unmet need, tending to that will make you more available in the long run.

4.  You are stuck in an addictive pattern. Perhaps you are a chronic worrier or in a cycle of anxiety. Or you get sucked into the computer or TV and can’t seem to stop checking your email, Facebook or the news. Maybe your identity is very attached to being productive and taking the time to pause and reflect in the present feels impossible. In Buddhism, the busy, untrained mind is called the “monkey mind” and is considered the cause of much suffering.

Like any addiction, chronic busyness (in thoughts and action) takes awareness and commitment to change. And the first step is just realizing that it is an actual problem, not just a state of “being busy.”

5. You don’t realize the benefits of being present.What percentage of your life are you actually awake and alive to the present moment? Most people spend only a fraction of their time actually in the moment they are living. But the reality is that if you want to make any positive impact in your life, it is going to happen in the present!

By practicing presence and mindfulness, you are better able to make empowered choices, access inner clarity, change habits and learn to trust yourself.

Take some time this week to discover your own obstacles to being present and then take action: get in the present before it passes you by! Check back for a post on some simple steps to begin your mindfulness practice.

The very first step to shifting out of stuckness is to begin to question your “yes” and “no” responses to opportunities, activities and commitments. Life is always offering us choices; being mindful about the ones you are making is key.

My blog post today for Mamapreneurs, Inc will inspire you to think differently about how you respond when choices arise. It might even give you a little push out of your “thinking” rut! I hope you enjoy reading it!