I get a weekly newsletter from an amazing therapist and Non-violent Communication expert, LaShelle Charde. The one this week was so helpful, I decided to post it and share it with you. Please visit her website if you would like to sign up to receive these amazing gems in your own email box!

Family & Holidays

As I sit here on the plane to Denver to see my Mom and sisters, I feel excited.  I also know that it will be a testing ground.  You, like me, may find that your lifestyle is very different from that of your parents and siblings.  This can be fodder for judgment, conflict, and discomfort or it can be an opportunity.

Returning to your family can be a kind of test for your practice of acceptance, compassion, and honesty.  You get the opportunity to see where you get caught by your judging mind and where you have let go and don’t react anymore.  For example, you might notice yourself thinking or saying things like:

• I can’t believe he is eating that.  What about his heart condition?!
• If she wouldn’t spend her money on more stuff, she wouldn’t be in so much debt.
• Mom, you have got to exercise.  You’ll feel better if you do.
• How can they watch so much TV?!
• How can they live like this?!
• That perspective (on politics, religion, etc.) is ignorant, I have to educate them.

When you find yourself feeling tense and having thoughts (or speech) like this, it’s a good sign you have been too long outside of your comfort zone.  Take a time out in your comfort zone.  Maybe going for a walk, taking a favorite book to a coffee shop, laying down for a nap, etc.

Once rejuvenated you can give yourself some empathy for the feelings and needs up for you. Allow yourself to feel grief when you see that your family’s strategies for health and happiness and even connecting with you are not so effective.  Return to your authenticity by remembering your core values, intention, and how you are committed to showing up in the world.  Loving your family doesn’t mean playing a role to maintain a false sense of harmony.  Continue to ask yourself how you can be honest and compassionate.

Remind yourself that your family is doing the best they can. Rather than giving advice offer empathy.  Rather than complaining or judging express your feelings, needs, and requests.  Then, when you get caught again go back to your comfort zone.

Here’s the short version of this gem:
1.    You notice you are judging or complaining.
2.    Take a time out and spend some time in your comfort zone.
3.    Give yourself empathy.
4.    Remind yourself or your values and intention.
5.    Re-enter family scene with compassion and honesty.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.
**giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others.
***for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
Comments?  Questions?  Requests for future Gems?  Hearing from you is a nutritious treat for me.  It inspires me to continue to write gems and write them in a way that really serves.  Send me an email or leave me a voicemail 503-544-7583.
Do you think someone else might enjoy this gem?  Forward it on.
Looking for previous gems?  They are posted on my website  http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/

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My toddler and I were at the park the other day, enjoying the last days of our beautiful Portland summer. He loves to swing and the delight on his face as he flies through the air reminds me of the importance of simple pleasure. He can swing for an hour without getting bored or thinking there is something else he should be doing.

How many hours do I pass in such perfect presence?

There was a woman pushing her grandson on the swing next to us. The mother of the toddler stood nearby with her brand new 11-day-old baby in a stroller. As mothers do, our conversation turned to the realities of mothering. The grandmother said she is a pediatric nurse whose job is to answer the call line at a busy clinic. I was fascinated by this.

What do mothers call to ask about the most?

She said, you wouldn’t believe the pressure women feel these days to breastfeed. It is ridiculous. There are many, many women who just can’t. I mean really, what’s the difference? You feed your baby either way, bottle or breast. 

I paused.

I care a lot about breastfeeding and believe that while some women just can’t due to a variety of challenges, many women who are struggling just need more resources and support (from someone who believes in them).

In coaching, we often use this tool: connect with the storyteller not the story. This nurse had a very strong story about women and breastfeeding, based on her own beliefs and experiences. And I have my own story, based on my experiences. I could, of course, argue with her. But, I also had the opportunity to really hear her words and connect to the feelings and needs behind them. I took a deep breath.

Are you concerned about how stressed new mothers feel and guilty when they feel that are not successful as moms?

Yes! Other women are so critical of each other. And there are all these books out there claiming the right way to do things. Women need to trust their own bodies.

I feel the same way! In this moment I realized our conversation went an entirely different direction than it would have if we had focused on an issue or ideology. Now we were talking about how much we cared about women and both had a need for them to trust themselves.

Moments like these are so powerful. When I was younger, I was a passionate activist and would argue with anyone about issues I cared about like bicycle commuting, natural childbirth, protecting the environment and more… But often the conversations would be frustrating and end with no one really listening. Lately, I am learning how listening to people with different opinions than mine and finding a way to connect to their feelings and needs is much more productive.

The truth is we all have similar needs. We just have very different strategies for meeting them. And being heard is one of our primary needs as human beings. If you can meet that need, often miracles can happen in understanding and change.

This post was taken from my blog for mamas at www.mindfullymothering.com

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