Many of my clients suffer from what I call the “perfection trap.” This sneaky pit is easy to fall into when you are trying too hard to do everything just right. When you over-worry about failure or looking bad, you back yourself right into the devious clutches of “it’s never good enough” – and never done.

What is the easiest way to fall into it the perfection trap? By comparing yourself to someone else.

The biggest problem with the perfection trap is that it is difficult to escape. Some people live their whole lives inside of it. From the inside, it seems that everything is more difficult and personal connections are complicated. There is a vague sense of longing for more ease, more passion, but the harder you claw your way towards it from inside the trap, the further away it seems.

The world outside the perfection trap is messier. There is more space for error and exploration…and creativity!  Your relationships are more authentic because people can come closer to you.  You are willing to try and learn new things – and even fail – creating more possibility in your life.

How do you escape this tricky trap?

Accept yourself right now, just as you are and be willing to grow. Your imperfections make you who you are instead of a photocopy of an unachievable ideal. Everything you have been through, every sag and scar, your disappointments, quirks and fears, all tell an important story about your experience during your lifetime.

Your true nature shines through only when you are willing to stand in the open.

I have a gift for you: There is nothing wrong with you.  You might have some problems, but that is a natural part of being human.  How you learn and grow from your challenges, rather than hide in the shade of perfection, is the beauty of you.

“Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”— Leonard Cohen

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If I accept the job as a teacher, then I will be giving up on my dream as a writer.

When I take time for myself, I am taking away from my family.

if I get married, I won’t be able to make my own decisions anymore.

I have heard each of these statements from clients in my office. They are perfect examples of  “either/or” thinking. This thought pattern tricks you into believing that if you choose one thing, then you can’t also have another.

It is a trap that can be easy to fall into, especially since most of us have a file of previous disappointments that we access every time we are faced with a decision. In the past you might have learned that you had to give up things that you cared about in order to survive.

When you believe you have limited options, your dreams seem very unreachable. You fall into a trance that convinces you that if you say “yes” to something that makes you feel alive, you must say “no” to something else that is also important.

The sad fact is that this way of thinking takes away all of your innate resourcefulness. Inside of you is a creative wisdom that can find many more possibilities than just two options. Your inner wisdom is certain that you can make money and express your creativity, that you can have time for yourself and take care of your loved ones, that you can be in an intimate relationship and maintain your autonomy.

Often the voice of fear and limitation speaks so loudly, it can be challenging to hear that inner knowing. One way to create more space for creative thinking is to question your assumptions. If you find yourself in the “either/or” trap, try the following exercise:

1. Write out exactly, word for word, the dilemma you are experiencing. Something like this: “If I take the teaching job, I won’t be able to be a writer. “
2. Brainstorm all the possible alternatives. For example: I could look for a teaching job more related writing. I could use my experiences as a teacher to gather more ideas for my writing. Since school is out in the summer, I could write full-time in the summer…. And so on.
3. Ask the most creative, open-minded person you know for insight about your situation. Often having another perspective can be the key to uncovering a win-win solution. Don’t run your dilemma by anyone who might reinforce the very limitations you are hoping to challenge.

Often the circumstances where you feel most stuck can lead to your biggest self-discoveries. When you approach your conflicts as opportunities to think even more creatively, you are flexing your inner wisdom muscles. The stronger this inner knowing becomes, the easier it will be for you to find win-win solutions to even the most challenging situations.

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Here are some photos of the Vision Maps (in progress) from our recent Vision Mapping workshop! It was so fun to see the artful intentions that each woman created to add clarity and focus for their goals.

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Often, coaching clients come to me wanting to make changes in their lives but feel either overwhelmed or paralyzed. They have a sense of wanting to move towards something that feels positive, such as a new career, better communication in their relationships, an exciting new project, more fitness and self-care, etc., yet they don’t understand why they are so afraid and stuck.

Once we begin to unravel the thinking process, a few key issues become clear with most people:

*When considering change, people often focus on the ultimate goal as if it has to happen right now. “But, I am scared to just quit my job and start something new. It feels like jumping into the unknown,” many say. This kind of thinking is definitely terrifying! If you are assuming a career change means that you have to give up something safe and familiar for something completely un-charted, your whole system will naturally revolt.

I find that mapping out the process of change can be incredibly helpful for most people. Because we don’t usually leap from Step A to Step Z, having a clear plan for all the steps in between calms the mind. For a person changing careers, the first step might be something as simple as exploring interests or brainstorming ideas.  By starting with something that feels safe and doable (and even fun!) resistance is lowered.

*The sympathetic nervous system responds to change as if it is life-threatening, even when it is not! Any perceived stress can trigger the “flight or fight” response in the amygdala of the brain, a response that was regularly needed to kick us into gear when that tiger pounced out of the jungle, and is still with us today. So that frozen feeling you get when you think about speaking up in a conflict or the heart-racing panic you feel when thinking about your new venture are just natural protective mechanisms.

The easiest way to work with this unconscious reaction to change is to move so slowly that your system does not notice it! If you want to take better care of your body but feel totally overwhelmed at the thought of heading to the gym four times a week, start with walking down the block for five minutes every day. This might seem silly but once you get the momentum rolling and bypass your own resistance, you will create a pattern that is much more sustainable.

*Change brings up our limiting beliefs. For most people, anything risky causes us to open the whole file we keep in our brains about failure, needing to be accepted/loved, being seen/exposed and more. The challenge is that we often believe these messages and they keep us from trying anything that might prove them right. Unfortunately, this can also keep us from trying things that could make us incredibly happy too.

The good news is that limiting beliefs are all in your head. You formed them at some point because they kept you safe but they aren’t serving you anymore. By acknowledging and questioning them and then finding more supportive ways of thinking, you can override this autopilot in your mind. Read more about transforming limiting beliefs.

If you are considering a change but feel terrified or stuck, take heart! Your fear means that you are human like the rest of us! And, with careful awareness, you can move forward despite the inner resistance. Remember, change is actually the most predictable element in your life!

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How many times have you wanted to change something in yourself or in your life but were overwhelmed at even the thought of such a big undertaking? Have you ever jumped right into change, only to fizzle out or discover it wasn’t even what you wanted?

Sustainable change often comes from tiny, purposeful steps in a positive direction. My blog for Zenana Spa and Wellness Center today is all about how to Dream Big, Start Small. Give it a read and I bet you will be inspired to take a tiny step yourself!

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Happy New Year!

2010 not only ushers in a new year, it is also the beginning of a new decade. 2009 was a rough year for many people and several clients and friends shared with me their relief that it is over. From economic hardship to illness and relationship challenges, some folks were put through the wringer.

Before you get busy making your New Year’s intentions, I challenge you to pause and reflect on 2009. It is easy to get excited about making a new start and plan everything you want to change, hoping for more fulfillment in the new year.  While intentions can be really helpful, they can also be an excuse to escape the present reality and project a future that might not even be the one you really want.

I am going to suggest a more sustainable and honest way to create change for the new year.

1. Reflect on your journey. A lot happened last year. You might experienced some losses or accomplished something incredible. Or both. Everything that happened (positive or negative) got you to this very moment in your life. And this moment is the launching pad for the next 525, 948 minutes of 2010.

If you are too busy focusing on what comes next without really acknowledging where you are right now, you might have a pretty big gap (maybe even one that is difficult to hurdle) between where you are and where you want to be.

2. Acknowledge what you have learned. You grew last year. You are wiser and know things you didn’t know before. Even the really difficult experiences expanded you in some way. Make a list (right now) of everything you learned last year. Once you have done that, look at how you can apply your new tools to the new year.

3. Get to know the you of 2009. Who were you last year? In your proud moments and in the ones that took you to your knees, what kind of person were you being? We often get so caught up in what we have or what we can do, we forget that our biggest asset is actually who we are.

Take a few minutes to write a paragraph describing yourself last year. If you were a compassionate witness observing yourself, what would you say about the person you were in 2009?

4. What comes next? Now that you know where you have come from, what you have learned and who you were last year, allow yourself to be very curious about your next steps. Do you like the path this current you is forging? Would you like to change directions? If so, what is the easiest and most natural way to do so?

This process will help you create intentions that are more sustainable and authentic than the typical new year’s resolutions! Drop me a line or leave a comment and share what you learned from this exercise!

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As a personal coach for women, I often have clients arrive in my office when they are ready for change. Usually the impetus for change comes from frustration with a relationship, job situation or health challenge.

As humans, we often look outside of ourselves for answers. We think if we can just get our partners to act or think a particular way, we will be happier. If we can only land the ideal job, then everything will come together, including our finances. Or if things weren’t so difficult in our lives, we would feel better.

If I have learned anything about positive change, it is that it comes from within.

In the words of Leo Tolstoy, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

When you are truly ready for your life experiences to be different, start by taking a look at yourself first.

However, for most of us, looking in the “mirror” leads to self-judgment rather than self-empowerment. And here is where it gets tricky! You will never (and I really believe this) make sustainable, positive changes in your life from a place of self-judgment.

Sure, you might go to the gym more often if every time you look in the mirror, you can’t stand what you see. But, this is a slippery slope. Tying your self-worth to being an ideal weight can lead to guilt and self-sabotage. If you want to be more fit and healthy, love yourself just as you are enough to give your body the exercise it needs.

And instead of struggling to get another person to be different, ask yourself : what can I change in myself first? Often the very thing we want from other people is the key to our own happiness when we do it ourselves.

If you are craving understanding from your partner, take some time to look inside and see how you can be more understanding of yourself. Likewise, how can you be more understanding of your partner?

I invite you to consider all the areas of your life that are challenging for you right now. Notice how you might be trying to forcibly change an outside person or situation. As an experiement, consider what you might shift within yourself first. I promise that you will have surprisingly positive results!

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I see it every week: A woman comes into my office with a vague sense of discontent. Her life is going fairly well but something is… missing. She considers changing careers, worries about the longevity of her intimate relationship and is struggling to take better care of herself.

She often feels “stuck,” but is not sure why.

She thinks she is coming to see me for support in rearranging her external life: accomplishing her goals, making a plan for a new career or venture and  getting some accountability for changes in diet and exercise.

As we work together, she discovers some core thoughts and beliefs that lead directly to her feelings of dissatisfaction. Before she changes jobs or leaves her husband, she needs to change her thinking.

New research backs up a basic principle of coaching: Changing your thinking patterns literally leads to changes in the brain, positively impacting emotional health.

Time Magazine’s recent article, “How The Brain Rewires Itself,” looks at several studies on the amazing “neuroplasticity,” the ability to change structure and function based on experience in the human adult brain.

“The brain can change as a result of the thoughts we think, as with Pascual-Leone’s virtual piano players. This has important implications for health: something as seemingly insubstantial as a thought can affect the very stuff of the brain, altering neuronal connections in a way that can treat mental illness or, perhaps, lead to a greater capacity for empathy and compassion. It may even dial up the supposedly immovable happiness set point.”

Most of my clients find that once they shift their thinking, their external reality changes as well.

But, it happens more naturally and easily in response to the inner changes. After they “change their minds,” they typically have a greater sense of clarity about what they really want!

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Did you do the self-limiting beliefs exercise in Part I? If so, what did you learn about the thoughts that limit you and keep you stuck?

The good news is that these thoughts are in your mind and you are the one that gives them power and meaning! That means… you can change them! As a matter of fact, you are the only one who can!

How?

Through a powerful process of inquiry that doesn’t just work with your conscious mind, it allows your deeper consciousness to participate as well.

Step 1: Identify the thought or belief. A common one that comes up with women is: “Taking care of myself is selfish.”

Step 2: Ask yourself: How does this thought/belief make me feel? Thinking that taking care of yourself is selfish is likely to make you feel resentful, tired and cranky. Every time you have an opportunity to rest or nurture yourself, your mind tells you that you should be productive or that someone else needs your attention. If you follow that self-limiting thought, you are going to burn yourself out and not be very fun to be around!

Step 3: Consider:  Where did this thought/belief come from? Perhaps you had selfless female role models who never took time for themselves (and maybe made others pay for it later). You might get this idea from cultural beliefs about the way women or mothers should act. Maybe you have a deep feeling of unworthiness that says that you have not earned or do not deserve to take care of yourself. Often women come to the deeper self-limiting belief that says: “I am not worth taking care of.”

Step 4: Be curious: Is this thought/belief 100% true? Does self-care automatically equate selfishness? Most women that I know who are worried about being selfish are the ones who are so committed to their families, work or community that they give and give and give… Selfishness is being so concerned with yourself that you never think of or care for the needs of others. True self-care is simply being in balance: caring for yourself and others!

Step 5: Shift it!  If the self-limiting thought is not true, what would be a more honest thought/belief that also reflects your values? Of course you want to care for others and you truly need to take care of yourself so that you have love and attention to share. A new thought might be: When I take care of myself, I have more to give to the people and activities in my life!

Step 6: Take action!  What can I do that reflects my new thought/belief? Self-limiting thinking is addictive and we have formed habits that correspond with these thoughts. In order to truly change them, you have to be willing to form new habits. If you are committed to taking better care of yourself so you have more to share with those you love, you might finally listen to your body and start going to yoga. Maybe you are going to let something go that you have been doing out of obligation. Or perhaps you will take some time each week to paint, dance or practice your favorite musical instrument. Chose something that nourishes you!

Transforming self-limiting thinking will change your life and relationships. And,  you are doing it as much for those you love as for yourself.  When you are not willing to buy into limiting thoughts, you inspire those around you to question their own. If you are a parent, you will be teaching your children to think more positively.

Leave a comment and share what self-limiting thought/belief you are shifting!

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On this historic morning, as I listened to Barack Obama giving his inaugural address, I was struck by his call to action for every American. He calls us each to take responsibility in transforming our county and our lives.

Over the past few months, our collective reality has shifted. Our economy is in crisis, our livelihoods feel threatened and many of our worst fears seem to loom on the horizon.  From global warming to the national deficit, we can no longer maintain the status quo.

“Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.” -President Barack Obama

We are each given the challenge to look at our own lives and ask: “What hard choices have I failed to make? Where have I not lived from my own values, my own truth? What can I do differently?”

If this is a wake up call, what are you waking up to in your own life?

Each one of us makes a difference in the world. From the mother who lovingly cares for her baby to the store clerk who smiles at his customer to the activist who stands up for her beliefs. Each choice, each word, each action COUNTS.

“On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.” -President Barack Obama

While we might worry that we can’t make a difference in our small corner of the big world, the truth is that each time we choose connection over conflict, inspiration over apathy and resourcefulness over exploitation, we do make a difference. And our new President asks us step up and be who we say we are.

“What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility – a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.” -President Barack Obama

So I am rolling up my sleeves and bravely meeting the challenges in my own life. What about you?

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