Many people consider the New Year to be a fresh start and the perfect time to recommit to a healthier, more fulfilled lifestyle. One problem with resolutions is that they often come from a place of self-judgment (I am overweight, I watch too much TV, I should get a better job, etc.) rather than from a place of self-love. Resolutions can also be difficult to keep, have unrealistic goals and set you up for feeling like a failure.

True, sustainable change comes from within. Often, when we make a resolution, we are only addressing exterior changes or habits instead of looking deeper to find the limiting beliefs, unmet needs or negative thought patterns that create the unhealthy behaviors we seek to change.

You may find that for a couple of months you do follow through with your resolutions, but then slowly slide back into old habits. This is because you have not identified or shifted the root cause of the unwanted behavior!

This year, before you make those resolutions, consider the following questions:

1. Why do I want to change this part of my life?
2. What difference would it make if I set this intention?
3. What has been keeping me in this old pattern or behavior? What do I get out of it? Everything we do, including negative behaviors, has a pay-off.
4. What do I need in order to really make this work? How can I make this goal more reasonable?
5. Which of my strengths or skills can I use to be successful? Who else can help me?
6. What is the most loving, positive way I can frame my intention?

Choose intentions that make you feel positive, hopeful and empowered. Make sure they are also realistic and that you actually believe them. You are not going to get very far with a resolution that you doubt. For example: If “this year I am going to make a million dollars” feels possible for you, then go for it. But if you are trying to convince yourself, chose something more reasonable! Instead, try “this year I will increase my income by at least 20%.” And then make a list of ways to achieve that goal.

Be very mindful of your language. Losing weight is the most common New Year’s goal. But remember, anything you lose must later be found! Instead, focus on your goal. I will reach my healthy weight of 145 pounds is much more affirming! Then consider all of the lifestyle changes that it will take to reach this goal, including self-acceptance. You have to start with loving yourself, right as you are today.

And use language that is positive. Instead of saying what you don’t want to do: I won’t yell at my kids anymore, say what you will do: I will speak to my children with respect and leave the room when I cannot. Spend some time understanding what you need in order to have the patience to live this intention every day.

While the New Year is a great time to recommit to your best life, remember that each moment you have a choice with every action and thought, all year long. If in a few months you find yourself losing ground with your goals, just start over. There’s no reason to wait until 2010!

Family & Holidays

As I sit here on the plane to Denver to see my Mom and sisters, I feel excited.  I also know that it will be a testing ground.  You, like me, may find that your lifestyle is very different from that of your parents and siblings.  This can be fodder for judgment, conflict, and discomfort or it can be an opportunity.

Returning to your family can be a kind of test for your practice of acceptance, compassion, and honesty.  You get the opportunity to see where you get caught by your judging mind and where you have let go and don’t react anymore.  For example, you might notice yourself thinking or saying things like:

• I can’t believe he is eating that.  What about his heart condition?!
• If she wouldn’t spend her money on more stuff, she wouldn’t be in so much debt.
• Mom, you have got to exercise.  You’ll feel better if you do.
• How can they watch so much TV?!
• How can they live like this?!
• That perspective (on politics, religion, etc.) is ignorant, I have to educate them.

When you find yourself feeling tense and having thoughts (or speech) like this, it’s a good sign you have been too long outside of your comfort zone.  Take a time out in your comfort zone.  Maybe going for a walk, taking a favorite book to a coffee shop, laying down for a nap, etc.

Once rejuvenated you can give yourself some empathy for the feelings and needs up for you. Allow yourself to feel grief when you see that your family’s strategies for health and happiness and even connecting with you are not so effective.  Return to your authenticity by remembering your core values, intention, and how you are committed to showing up in the world.  Loving your family doesn’t mean playing a role to maintain a false sense of harmony.  Continue to ask yourself how you can be honest and compassionate.

Remind yourself that your family is doing the best they can. Rather than giving advice offer empathy.  Rather than complaining or judging express your feelings, needs, and requests.  Then, when you get caught again go back to your comfort zone.

Here’s the short version of this gem:
1.    You notice you are judging or complaining.
2.    Take a time out and spend some time in your comfort zone.
3.    Give yourself empathy.
4.    Remind yourself or your values and intention.
5.    Re-enter family scene with compassion and honesty.

*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.
**giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others.
***for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
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My article in the Tranquil Parent this week is all about the power of gratitude and how it can enrich and transform your life. Give it a read and then start your own list!

And remember, the best gift you can give this holiday season is YOU. Present, mindful and true to your values. So if you value respect, model it through healthy communication, even in those sticky situations!

I was talking to my Personal Coach the other day about some of my own concerns and she challenged me to play the What If? Game!

Here is how it works:

• Take a sheet of paper and write out all the scary what ifs?. Really admit to yourself exactly what you are afraid might happen. If you have a partner, it would be really powerful to do this together.
• Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that go with the scary what ifs? and acknowledge the reasons you have these fears.
• Then take the page and burn it, shred it, send into oblivion.
• Then take a new, fresh page. Right out all the other what ifs?. You know the ones that are also possible… What if you get a raise? What if you have a new idea in your business and your clients love it? What if every day is filled with the joy of being with your kids and you find more supportive connections in your community?
• Allow yourself to feel what your life would be like if these possibilities were true!
• Then, challenge yourself every day to take an action, however small, towards making these reality.

You see, we don’t really know the future. Unless you are way more psychic than me, you don’t know what could happen in your life. Yes, maybe some of the scary what ifs?. But also maybe some of the really positive ones. And the thing is, I believe that where ever you focus your attention, your creative energy follows. If you don’t know what might happen, why not focus on what you would love to have happen?

I am not suggesting you sink into denial or become an overly positive, head-in-the-clouds person. I think you can be very grounded and also keep your attention focused on the possibilities by being present with the every day, current reality of your life while moving towards your intentions.

So, go ahead. Play the What If? Game!