By Leo Reynolds via Flickr

In my life coaching work with women, I am regularly faced with the honor and challenge of helping clients mitigate the negative impacts of perfectionism.

One of my primary tools for working with clients who are highly self-critical is self-compassion.

An article this week on MSNBC describes recent research showing self-compassion to be much more important to resilience and personal happiness than self-esteem. I see this every day in my office when a client finally, often after years of listening to the internal critical voice, begins to hear a more compassionate ally within.

The cultural focus on self-esteem has misdirected parents to either over-praise kids or push them relentlessly towards performance. According to the article,  “But now scientists are realizing they may have been measuring the wrong thing; all the benefits of having high self-esteem are equally found among the self-compassionate, said psychologist Mark Leary, a researcher at Duke University. And when statistically looking at self-compassion alone, the negative aspects of high self-esteem, such as narcissism, disappear.”

The depression, anxiety and stress of perfectionism also lessen or disappear when self-compassion is practiced.

Kristin Neff, associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin (my alma mater)  is spearheading research on self-compassion. Her book, “Self Compassion, Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind” was published this Spring.

Neff defines self-compassion through three aspects: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.

In my practice, I regularly use mindfulness with clients to help them pay careful attention to their own thoughts, feelings and body sensations. This creates an ability to self-reflect and be more present and takes them out of automatic critical mode.

My understanding of common humanity is simple this: we are all connected and none of us is alone in experiencing difficulty. Normalizing common feelings can be hugely helpful in inspiring self-compassion. It also increases a sense of personal courage to know that other people have similar feelings and experiences.

And kindness is an attitude that must be directed both inwardly and outwardly. The true measure of compassion is not the ability to be kind to others, but the ability to be kind to oneself. And the research is showing this to be absolutely true.

Researcher Mark Leary says,”Self-compassion begins to sound like you are indulging yourself, but we don’t find that. People high in self-compassion tend to have higher standards, work harder and take more personal responsibility for their actions.”

While these women have so many more opportunities than women did three decades ago, they are still very conflicted when it comes to navigating the myriad of decisions around career and family life.

When to get married and have kids, how to move forward in their careers while making time for their families, how to “share” household and child care with busy working husbands…or even not to have kids and just focus on career. And some moms decide to stay home with young children but feel left behind and misunderstood by a world focused on achievement.

One issue with this book is that it only focuses on a small sub-culture: white, highly educated, heterosexual, middle to upper class women. The other thing that was missing for me was an exploration of the bigger picture. Why is our culture so focused on achievement and money at all costs? What would change if feminine power was acknowledged instead of women being expected to operate the same way a man would? Would our world be kinder and less violent?

Flux is a fascinating read because it offers intimate glimpses into the women’s lives and stories. Orenstein doesn’t try to come up with any solutions, but does suggest that equality would be better served by men taking on more child-raising and household tasks and work environments being more family-friendly.

I know that there isn’t one way that will work for every woman and her family. I have found that when we listen deeply to our hearts and inner wisdom (rather than what society tells us we should be doing) we will always find the answer.

How do you make choices in your own life around career and family?