Living in the Northwest, I have developed a new relationship with sunshine. You see, I grew up in Texas, where we had more sunny, hot days than I could appreciate. But now, I consider sunshine to be a rare and precious commodity.

When I was a kid on our family ranch in West Texas, we had the exact opposite problem as we do here in Portland, Oregon. We had plenty of blue sky days, but a big shortage of rain. I can still hear my Abuelito’s (Grandfather’s) deep voice saying grace, “Lord, thank you for this food and please send us some rain.” The next day would bring a reminder: “Lord, we still need rain, thanks.”

The dry dusty high desert of Southwest Texas might only get a sparse 10 to 15 inches of rain per year (compared to a generous 40  inches here in Oregon). I can promise you that my Abuelito stood outside, took off his hat and praised the sky for every drop of rain that fed his cattle and crops.

This morning I was reminded of my Abuelito’s pure enjoyment of rain during Nia dance class. For a rare moment, the sun broke out of the heavy cloud cover and shone through the windows of the classroom.  A loud communal holler broke out from the dancers as we were immersed in golden light. Our energy rose, appreciating the joy of the moment.

We might not get much sun here in the Northwest, but we know how to pause and enjoy it when we do.

What feels rare and important in your life right now? Maybe it is time to nurture yourself or it might be time to connect with your  family or loved ones. Perhaps you don’t get many creative bursts these days or not enough sleep, exercise, adventure…the list could go on and on.

Whatever it is for you, I challenge you to learn from my Abuelito. When you do find that rare moment, that precious beam of sunlight, immerse yourself in it with deep appreciation. I promise that you will get more from ten minutes of being fully present than you will get from ten hours of barely noticing.

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As a personal coach for women, I often have clients arrive in my office when they are ready for change. Usually the impetus for change comes from frustration with a relationship, job situation or health challenge.

As humans, we often look outside of ourselves for answers. We think if we can just get our partners to act or think a particular way, we will be happier. If we can only land the ideal job, then everything will come together, including our finances. Or if things weren’t so difficult in our lives, we would feel better.

If I have learned anything about positive change, it is that it comes from within.

In the words of Leo Tolstoy, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

When you are truly ready for your life experiences to be different, start by taking a look at yourself first.

However, for most of us, looking in the “mirror” leads to self-judgment rather than self-empowerment. And here is where it gets tricky! You will never (and I really believe this) make sustainable, positive changes in your life from a place of self-judgment.

Sure, you might go to the gym more often if every time you look in the mirror, you can’t stand what you see. But, this is a slippery slope. Tying your self-worth to being an ideal weight can lead to guilt and self-sabotage. If you want to be more fit and healthy, love yourself just as you are enough to give your body the exercise it needs.

And instead of struggling to get another person to be different, ask yourself : what can I change in myself first? Often the very thing we want from other people is the key to our own happiness when we do it ourselves.

If you are craving understanding from your partner, take some time to look inside and see how you can be more understanding of yourself. Likewise, how can you be more understanding of your partner?

I invite you to consider all the areas of your life that are challenging for you right now. Notice how you might be trying to forcibly change an outside person or situation. As an experiement, consider what you might shift within yourself first. I promise that you will have surprisingly positive results!

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I see it every week: A woman comes into my office with a vague sense of discontent. Her life is going fairly well but something is… missing. She considers changing careers, worries about the longevity of her intimate relationship and is struggling to take better care of herself.

She often feels “stuck,” but is not sure why.

She thinks she is coming to see me for support in rearranging her external life: accomplishing her goals, making a plan for a new career or venture and  getting some accountability for changes in diet and exercise.

As we work together, she discovers some core thoughts and beliefs that lead directly to her feelings of dissatisfaction. Before she changes jobs or leaves her husband, she needs to change her thinking.

New research backs up a basic principle of coaching: Changing your thinking patterns literally leads to changes in the brain, positively impacting emotional health.

Time Magazine’s recent article, “How The Brain Rewires Itself,” looks at several studies on the amazing “neuroplasticity,” the ability to change structure and function based on experience in the human adult brain.

“The brain can change as a result of the thoughts we think, as with Pascual-Leone’s virtual piano players. This has important implications for health: something as seemingly insubstantial as a thought can affect the very stuff of the brain, altering neuronal connections in a way that can treat mental illness or, perhaps, lead to a greater capacity for empathy and compassion. It may even dial up the supposedly immovable happiness set point.”

Most of my clients find that once they shift their thinking, their external reality changes as well.

But, it happens more naturally and easily in response to the inner changes. After they “change their minds,” they typically have a greater sense of clarity about what they really want!

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Did you do the self-limiting beliefs exercise in Part I? If so, what did you learn about the thoughts that limit you and keep you stuck?

The good news is that these thoughts are in your mind and you are the one that gives them power and meaning! That means… you can change them! As a matter of fact, you are the only one who can!

How?

Through a powerful process of inquiry that doesn’t just work with your conscious mind, it allows your deeper consciousness to participate as well.

Step 1: Identify the thought or belief. A common one that comes up with women is: “Taking care of myself is selfish.”

Step 2: Ask yourself: How does this thought/belief make me feel? Thinking that taking care of yourself is selfish is likely to make you feel resentful, tired and cranky. Every time you have an opportunity to rest or nurture yourself, your mind tells you that you should be productive or that someone else needs your attention. If you follow that self-limiting thought, you are going to burn yourself out and not be very fun to be around!

Step 3: Consider:  Where did this thought/belief come from? Perhaps you had selfless female role models who never took time for themselves (and maybe made others pay for it later). You might get this idea from cultural beliefs about the way women or mothers should act. Maybe you have a deep feeling of unworthiness that says that you have not earned or do not deserve to take care of yourself. Often women come to the deeper self-limiting belief that says: “I am not worth taking care of.”

Step 4: Be curious: Is this thought/belief 100% true? Does self-care automatically equate selfishness? Most women that I know who are worried about being selfish are the ones who are so committed to their families, work or community that they give and give and give… Selfishness is being so concerned with yourself that you never think of or care for the needs of others. True self-care is simply being in balance: caring for yourself and others!

Step 5: Shift it!  If the self-limiting thought is not true, what would be a more honest thought/belief that also reflects your values? Of course you want to care for others and you truly need to take care of yourself so that you have love and attention to share. A new thought might be: When I take care of myself, I have more to give to the people and activities in my life!

Step 6: Take action!  What can I do that reflects my new thought/belief? Self-limiting thinking is addictive and we have formed habits that correspond with these thoughts. In order to truly change them, you have to be willing to form new habits. If you are committed to taking better care of yourself so you have more to share with those you love, you might finally listen to your body and start going to yoga. Maybe you are going to let something go that you have been doing out of obligation. Or perhaps you will take some time each week to paint, dance or practice your favorite musical instrument. Chose something that nourishes you!

Transforming self-limiting thinking will change your life and relationships. And,  you are doing it as much for those you love as for yourself.  When you are not willing to buy into limiting thoughts, you inspire those around you to question their own. If you are a parent, you will be teaching your children to think more positively.

Leave a comment and share what self-limiting thought/belief you are shifting!

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As a client was leaving my office last week, she turned to me and said: “Savannah, you are a brain organizer.” I looked puzzled for a minute and then laughed when she said, “My thoughts are so clear right now!”

As a Life Coach for women, a big part of my job is supporting clients in uncovering the truth that hides beneath their limiting thoughts about themselves and their lives. Like a professional organizer who comes in and helps you see beneath the piles and stacks to the essence of what you really want to have in your space, I guide my clients to do the same within themselves.

We all have regularly occurring thoughts that block our progress and growth, that tell us lies about our self-worth and that sabotage our relationships. Some are fairly obvious and we only half-believe them. Other thoughts are woven into our consciousness so deeply that we don’t even know they are limiting us.

The first step to freedom from limiting thoughts and beliefs is to become aware of them. For the more obvious ones, this is fairly simple and you probably already question them regularly. “No one likes me” might come to the surface when you are feeling low, but you don’t really believe it most of the time.

But the deeper limiting beliefs can be more difficult to uncover.

Once you understand the common qualities of a self-limiting thought/belief, you will be able to identify and shift them.

1. Limiting thoughts and beliefs are usually based in fear. They often have common themes like: fear of abandonment (I need to make other people happy so they will stick around); fear of deprivation (You should work hard (at a job you hate) or you will end up in the streets); fear of failure (I have to be productive all the time or things will fall apart).

2. They tell us who we have to be in order to be loved and accepted. “If I am my authentic self, no one will really like me.” These thoughts tell you that you are not accepted or acceptable just as you are.

3. They block your progress and keep you stuck. Whenever you are feeling stuck or un-happy, you can bet a self-limiting belief is operating. People are often afraid to take a risk and try something that would be really fulfilling for them because of a limiting belief like: “Things never turn out to be as good as you want.”

Ready to discover some of your self-limiting beliefs? Try the following exercise:

Take some time in a quiet place and contemplate each phrase. Allow your mind to quickly react to each one and take note of what comes to you. Move on to the next phrase only when you feel complete.

I am…

I am not…

Women are…

Men are…

I am good with…

I am not good with…

I will never be able to…

I don’t deserve…

My family…

I always…

I never…

I should…

I have to…

Money is…

Now go through your list and circle the ones that feel self-limiting or that hold you back in life.

Check back next week for Part II where I share an important process for transforming these limiting thoughts.

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I am reading a very thought-provoking book right now. Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids, and Life in a Half-Changed World by Peggy Orenstein is based on 200 interviews with women between the ages of 20 and 45 about the choices that they are making in a world only half changed by feminism.

While these women have so many more opportunities than women did three decades ago, they are still very conflicted when it comes to navigating the myriad of decisions around career and family life.

When to get married and have kids, how to move forward in their careers while making time for their families, how to “share” household and child care with busy working husbands…or even not to have kids and just focus on career. And some moms decide to stay home with young children but feel left behind and misunderstood by a world focused on achievement.

One issue with this book is that it only focuses on a small sub-culture: white, highly educated, heterosexual, middle to upper class women. The other thing that was missing for me was an exploration of the bigger picture. Why is our culture so focused on achievement and money at all costs? What would change if feminine power was acknowledged instead of women being expected to operate the same way a man would? Would our world be kinder and less violent?

Flux is a fascinating read because it offers intimate glimpses into the women’s lives and stories. Orenstein doesn’t try to come up with any solutions, but does suggest that equality would be better served by men taking on more child-raising and household tasks and work environments being more family-friendly.

I know that there isn’t one way that will work for every woman and her family. I have found that when we listen deeply to our hearts and inner wisdom (rather than what society tells us we should be doing) we will always find the answer.

How do you make choices in your own life around career and family?

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We all have times in our lives when we get stuck in a “thinking” rut. We have trouble making decisions or tend to answer “yes” and “no” out of habit rather than really following our intuition. Often, when we are feeling stuck, we might not even know how to access our intuition.

The very first step to shifting out of stuckness is to begin to question your “yes” and “no” responses to opportunities, activities and commitments. Life is always offering us choices; being mindful about the ones you are making is key.

My blog post today for Mamapreneurs, Inc will inspire you to think differently about how you respond when choices arise. It might even give you a little push out of your “thinking” rut! I hope you enjoy reading it!

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I am a blogger for the Mamapreneurs.com site and my recent topic is TIME! As busy women, we all wish we had more time. And the truth is, you do! You just need to know where to find it…

Most busy women lose time in the “have-to” activities. We all have them! Things we do because we feel obligated, even though they don’t always match our priorities and we often feel resentful when doing them. Read more about changing your relationship to the “have-to” activities.

One of the most powerful shifts you can make is to view time as an investment. When you are clear that you choose how to use every moment of your day, you are being more honest with yourself! Even doing something out of obligation is a choice.

How are you going to invest your valuable time today?

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As the mama of a toddler and a teenager, I have experienced the challenges and joys of parenting at “difficult” ages. Yes, toddlers are expressive little beings and teens are interested in exploring independence, but with respect and communication, you can maintain a deep connection.

My article in the Tranquil Parent this week is an interview with two mamas who are passionate about spreading the message: Don’t believe the hype! The teen years can be wonderful and magical. Avert a connection crisis – start now to build a trusting relationship with your preteen/teen. Give it a read!

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As a personal coach for women, I notice a common theme for working mamas is guilt. Most of the mamas I talk to experience guilt at one time or another. Either they feel like that are failing their own standards as moms or they feel like they can’t keep up with the demands of life and business.

Often the women who are the most passionate about their work and families are the ones who fall into the guilt trap most often.

But as you know, guilt is not very productive. It doesn’t make you a better mom or help you think proactively about your life. However, it is a great indicator that it is time to think creatively and shift priorities!

My article today for Mamapreneurs, Inc. is all about why giving up the guilt is good for your family and your business! Give it a read!

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