As a personal coach for women, I often have clients arrive in my office when they are ready for change. Usually the impetus for change comes from frustration with a relationship, job situation or health challenge.

As humans, we often look outside of ourselves for answers. We think if we can just get our partners to act or think a particular way, we will be happier. If we can only land the ideal job, then everything will come together, including our finances. Or if things weren’t so difficult in our lives, we would feel better.

If I have learned anything about positive change, it is that it comes from within.

In the words of Leo Tolstoy, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

When you are truly ready for your life experiences to be different, start by taking a look at yourself first.

However, for most of us, looking in the “mirror” leads to self-judgment rather than self-empowerment. And here is where it gets tricky! You will never (and I really believe this) make sustainable, positive changes in your life from a place of self-judgment.

Sure, you might go to the gym more often if every time you look in the mirror, you can’t stand what you see. But, this is a slippery slope. Tying your self-worth to being an ideal weight can lead to guilt and self-sabotage. If you want to be more fit and healthy, love yourself just as you are enough to give your body the exercise it needs.

And instead of struggling to get another person to be different, ask yourself : what can I change in myself first? Often the very thing we want from other people is the key to our own happiness when we do it ourselves.

If you are craving understanding from your partner, take some time to look inside and see how you can be more understanding of yourself. Likewise, how can you be more understanding of your partner?

I invite you to consider all the areas of your life that are challenging for you right now. Notice how you might be trying to forcibly change an outside person or situation. As an experiement, consider what you might shift within yourself first. I promise that you will have surprisingly positive results!

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My toddler and I were at the park the other day, enjoying the last days of our beautiful Portland summer. He loves to swing and the delight on his face as he flies through the air reminds me of the importance of simple pleasure. He can swing for an hour without getting bored or thinking there is something else he should be doing.

How many hours do I pass in such perfect presence?

There was a woman pushing her grandson on the swing next to us. The mother of the toddler stood nearby with her brand new 11-day-old baby in a stroller. As mothers do, our conversation turned to the realities of mothering. The grandmother said she is a pediatric nurse whose job is to answer the call line at a busy clinic. I was fascinated by this.

What do mothers call to ask about the most?

She said, you wouldn’t believe the pressure women feel these days to breastfeed. It is ridiculous. There are many, many women who just can’t. I mean really, what’s the difference? You feed your baby either way, bottle or breast. 

I paused.

I care a lot about breastfeeding and believe that while some women just can’t due to a variety of challenges, many women who are struggling just need more resources and support (from someone who believes in them).

In coaching, we often use this tool: connect with the storyteller not the story. This nurse had a very strong story about women and breastfeeding, based on her own beliefs and experiences. And I have my own story, based on my experiences. I could, of course, argue with her. But, I also had the opportunity to really hear her words and connect to the feelings and needs behind them. I took a deep breath.

Are you concerned about how stressed new mothers feel and guilty when they feel that are not successful as moms?

Yes! Other women are so critical of each other. And there are all these books out there claiming the right way to do things. Women need to trust their own bodies.

I feel the same way! In this moment I realized our conversation went an entirely different direction than it would have if we had focused on an issue or ideology. Now we were talking about how much we cared about women and both had a need for them to trust themselves.

Moments like these are so powerful. When I was younger, I was a passionate activist and would argue with anyone about issues I cared about like bicycle commuting, natural childbirth, protecting the environment and more… But often the conversations would be frustrating and end with no one really listening. Lately, I am learning how listening to people with different opinions than mine and finding a way to connect to their feelings and needs is much more productive.

The truth is we all have similar needs. We just have very different strategies for meeting them. And being heard is one of our primary needs as human beings. If you can meet that need, often miracles can happen in understanding and change.

This post was taken from my blog for mamas at www.mindfullymothering.com

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