Happy New Year!

2010 not only ushers in a new year, it is also the beginning of a new decade. 2009 was a rough year for many people and several clients and friends shared with me their relief that it is over. From economic hardship to illness and relationship challenges, some folks were put through the wringer.

Before you get busy making your New Year’s intentions, I challenge you to pause and reflect on 2009. It is easy to get excited about making a new start and plan everything you want to change, hoping for more fulfillment in the new year.  While intentions can be really helpful, they can also be an excuse to escape the present reality and project a future that might not even be the one you really want.

I am going to suggest a more sustainable and honest way to create change for the new year.

1. Reflect on your journey. A lot happened last year. You might experienced some losses or accomplished something incredible. Or both. Everything that happened (positive or negative) got you to this very moment in your life. And this moment is the launching pad for the next 525, 948 minutes of 2010.

If you are too busy focusing on what comes next without really acknowledging where you are right now, you might have a pretty big gap (maybe even one that is difficult to hurdle) between where you are and where you want to be.

2. Acknowledge what you have learned. You grew last year. You are wiser and know things you didn’t know before. Even the really difficult experiences expanded you in some way. Make a list (right now) of everything you learned last year. Once you have done that, look at how you can apply your new tools to the new year.

3. Get to know the you of 2009. Who were you last year? In your proud moments and in the ones that took you to your knees, what kind of person were you being? We often get so caught up in what we have or what we can do, we forget that our biggest asset is actually who we are.

Take a few minutes to write a paragraph describing yourself last year. If you were a compassionate witness observing yourself, what would you say about the person you were in 2009?

4. What comes next? Now that you know where you have come from, what you have learned and who you were last year, allow yourself to be very curious about your next steps. Do you like the path this current you is forging? Would you like to change directions? If so, what is the easiest and most natural way to do so?

This process will help you create intentions that are more sustainable and authentic than the typical new year’s resolutions! Drop me a line or leave a comment and share what you learned from this exercise!

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Often clients come to me with the goal of being more present in their lives. They have a sense of precious moments passing them by, their relationships could use more loving attention, and their bodies are begging them to slow down and be more mindful.

And yet they are surprised at how hard it is to practice presence.

I often hear feedback along these lines:

I went home and paid attention to how my body was feeling, but it only lasted a few seconds and then my mind was spinning again and I forgot my body completely.

I try to really listen when my toddler talks to me but honestly, I get so bored and then I start to remember all the things I need to get done and I feel distracted.

I want to be present, I really do. But, I just can’t stay focused more than a few minutes and then I find myself worrying about something that might happen or remembering something that already happened. Then I get mad at myself for getting caught up in these thoughts.

Let’s be honest: Being present is not easy nor does it come naturally to those of us raised in a productivity-oriented culture. From the minute we are born, we learn that our value is measured by what we accomplish, the items we check off on our many To-Do lists. Life moves so fast, we spend much of our time processing what happened in the past or stressing out about what is coming up in the future.

Before you get too hard on yourself about what a failure you are at being present, it is helpful to look at the obstacles you might be experiencing.

Common Obstacles to Being Present:

1. You are not sure how to do it! Often people are confused by what it means to “be present.” Because it is not something most of us have learned from an early age, it feels foreign to us.

“Mindfulness practice” can be a very helpful tool. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a well-respected mindfulness teacher, says: “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”

Sound easy? It’s not! Being mindful is consciously bringing your attention and awareness into the present moment while observing the emotions, thoughts, sensations, memories and judgments that come up. Instead of reacting to what arises, mindfulness practice invites you to witness your feelings and thoughts while staying rooted in the present experience.

For most of us, it is helpful to have some guidance when beginning mindfulness practice. Working with an experienced teacher or coach, reading books that offer helpful tools or listening to CDs can be very supportive and instructive.

2. Something needs your attention. It can be difficult to be mindful when you are avoiding something that is demanding your attention. When you have unspoken words that continue to surface in your mind or a painful memory that needs healing, you are continually distracted from the present so that you can pay attention to what needs to be completed.

3. You have unmet needs in the moment. Perhaps you are trying to be present with your child, but your back is screaming in pain. Or you want to listen to your partner, but you are feeling triggered and reactive and just need a break. Being mindful is often about being honest. If the thing you are most present to in this moment is an unmet need, tending to that will make you more available in the long run.

4.  You are stuck in an addictive pattern. Perhaps you are a chronic worrier or in a cycle of anxiety. Or you get sucked into the computer or TV and can’t seem to stop checking your email, Facebook or the news. Maybe your identity is very attached to being productive and taking the time to pause and reflect in the present feels impossible. In Buddhism, the busy, untrained mind is called the “monkey mind” and is considered the cause of much suffering.

Like any addiction, chronic busyness (in thoughts and action) takes awareness and commitment to change. And the first step is just realizing that it is an actual problem, not just a state of “being busy.”

5. You don’t realize the benefits of being present.What percentage of your life are you actually awake and alive to the present moment? Most people spend only a fraction of their time actually in the moment they are living. But the reality is that if you want to make any positive impact in your life, it is going to happen in the present!

By practicing presence and mindfulness, you are better able to make empowered choices, access inner clarity, change habits and learn to trust yourself.

Take some time this week to discover your own obstacles to being present and then take action: get in the present before it passes you by! Check back for a post on some simple steps to begin your mindfulness practice.

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I see it every week: A woman comes into my office with a vague sense of discontent. Her life is going fairly well but something is… missing. She considers changing careers, worries about the longevity of her intimate relationship and is struggling to take better care of herself.

She often feels “stuck,” but is not sure why.

She thinks she is coming to see me for support in rearranging her external life: accomplishing her goals, making a plan for a new career or venture and  getting some accountability for changes in diet and exercise.

As we work together, she discovers some core thoughts and beliefs that lead directly to her feelings of dissatisfaction. Before she changes jobs or leaves her husband, she needs to change her thinking.

New research backs up a basic principle of coaching: Changing your thinking patterns literally leads to changes in the brain, positively impacting emotional health.

Time Magazine’s recent article, “How The Brain Rewires Itself,” looks at several studies on the amazing “neuroplasticity,” the ability to change structure and function based on experience in the human adult brain.

“The brain can change as a result of the thoughts we think, as with Pascual-Leone’s virtual piano players. This has important implications for health: something as seemingly insubstantial as a thought can affect the very stuff of the brain, altering neuronal connections in a way that can treat mental illness or, perhaps, lead to a greater capacity for empathy and compassion. It may even dial up the supposedly immovable happiness set point.”

Most of my clients find that once they shift their thinking, their external reality changes as well.

But, it happens more naturally and easily in response to the inner changes. After they “change their minds,” they typically have a greater sense of clarity about what they really want!

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As the mama of a toddler and a teenager, I have experienced the challenges and joys of parenting at “difficult” ages. Yes, toddlers are expressive little beings and teens are interested in exploring independence, but with respect and communication, you can maintain a deep connection.

My article in the Tranquil Parent this week is an interview with two mamas who are passionate about spreading the message: Don’t believe the hype! The teen years can be wonderful and magical. Avert a connection crisis – start now to build a trusting relationship with your preteen/teen. Give it a read!

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Do you have a busy mind? Do you feel more comfortable being productive, “getting things done” and being in motion? Do you tend to over-think or make assumptions?

If so, you are a lot like me! I have always struggled with the delicate balance between doing and being. Because I write a blog about mindfulness in mothering, you might assume that I am a master of meditation and mindfulness.

WRONG!

I am the one who needs every single one of my own reminders. I write this blog for myself more than anyone!

Yes, I have taught yoga, given over 500 massages, gone on Vipassana Retreats, led hundreds of meditation and mindfulness exercises. I even offer body-centered coaching to help my clients calm their minds and connect with their bodies.

And still, I am learning. For me, it is a daily practice.

In Buddhism, this busy mind is called the monkey mind. Imagine a room, full of screeching monkeys! It is restless and unsettled, never content in the present moment. It creates anxiety, feelings of dissatisfaction and distraction. The monkey mind will always have you doubt yourself.

My Self Nurture practice today was to focus my thoughts on being present in the moment.

Did you know that we have an average of 60.000 thoughts per day? And many of those thoughts are fears about something that might (or might not) happen, assumptions about what other people think about us and self-limiting beliefs. No wonder we get so stressed!

So today when my mind wandered away from focusing on present time, I gently nudged it back. When I remembered…Because you know how quickly the monkey mind takes over!

Here are three questions that inspire present-time thinking:

1. What am I feeling (emotions and sensations) right now?

2. Where is my attention?

3. What do I need to be more present in this moment? Sometimes it is simple like a glass of water or a deep breath. Other times it is more complex, like completing a task that is distracting me or talking about something this is bothering me.

Being present is an empowering and nurturing practice. Only in present time can I really enjoy my life, connect with my loved ones and take actions that make a difference in my health and well-being.

How are you nurturing yourself today?

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I was inspired and excited by all the comments on my Mindfully Mothering blog from other mamas yesterday about their simple yet nourishing Self Nurture practices!

While reading them, I noticed that many of the acts: drinking a cup of tea, listening to music, window shopping, reading, soaking in the tub…are ones that many of us do regularly. And yet it was the intention and presence these mamas gave to the actions that made them truly Self Nurturing!

My Self Nurture practice today was to create time to connect with people who are important to me. You know how busy life can be…As a working mama, I often get caught up in getting things done and lose track of making time just to connect.

So today I called Sweet boy’s Step-Mama to chat about his upcoming Prom, hear all about his tux fitting and just catch up. I am blessed to have a great relationship with her and Sweet boy is blessed to have two mamas who love him so much!

After our conversation, I sat down and wrote Sweet boy a little card, sharing how proud I am of him and how excited I am for him about his Prom. I wish I could be there to see him shining in his stylish Tux. Then I let myself feel how much I miss him and looked at some photos of him when he was a little guy.

Over the past few years as Sweet boy and I having been living apart, I have missed him every minute of every day.  But I don’t often let myself just have the time to sit and experience my feelings of sadness and longing.

So today, I am just missing my Sweet boy and that is the most nurturing gift I can give myself.

How are you caring for yourself tenderly today?

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