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Archive for the 'choice' tag
Jul 30th 2010Savannahclarity
“I know that will never happen for me,” my client said dejectedly as she described her dream job. “He never listens…I doubt that will ever change,” huffed another client about her husband of 10 years.
My good friend Rev. Susan Leo once said “certainty is the opposite of faith.”
I think she meant that when we think we know exactly what something or someone is, we lose our ability to trust in the mysterious and ever-changing nature of most everything. Our fixed version of reality rarely holds all the possibility that exists.
Doubt can actually be good, especially when it comes to limited ways of thinking. It can create room for exploration and for the kinds of questions that can open doors. Doubt is even helpful when you have an overly positive certainty because it allows you to creatively prepare for potential obstacles.
Doubt can actually inspire deeper clarity.
I describe clarity as the inner knowing that allows you to see to the heart of the matter. That is hard to do if you are clinging to your false notions of what something is or isn’t. The tighter you hold on, the more energy you expend.
Take a moment to think about a challenging area of your life where you feel absolutely certain. What would be different if you allowed some doubt to come into your awareness?
Maybe that person isn’t always going to be so difficult. Maybe they aren’t even as difficult as you assume right now. Whether you are struggling financially, feel stuck in an unfulfilling job or relationship, or convinced that you don’t have what it takes to create the life you secretly crave, loosen your hold on certainty and you will create more possibilities.
Clients often come to coaching hoping I have the answers to their problems. Thankfully (whew) I do not! If I did, they would depend on me rather than themselves for clarity.
What I do offer is trust in yourself: that if we ask the clarity-inspiring questions and pay close attention, the answers will always come. And they do. Time and time again.
May 13th 2010SavannahMotherhood & Self-Nurture
Last week I had the pleasure of being interviewed on Single and Unplugged, an internet radio show dedicated to supporting and inspiring single parents. My topic was self nurture: how to tend to yourself when time and money are often limited. It was a great show and I think the information and insights are relevant to any busy parent, single or partnered. Please listen and share with your friends!
Apr 30th 2010SavannahBeing Successful & Personal Growth
If I accept the job as a teacher, then I will be giving up on my dream as a writer.
When I take time for myself, I am taking away from my family.
if I get married, I won’t be able to make my own decisions anymore.
I have heard each of these statements from clients in my office. They are perfect examples of “either/or” thinking. This thought pattern tricks you into believing that if you choose one thing, then you can’t also have another.
It is a trap that can be easy to fall into, especially since most of us have a file of previous disappointments that we access every time we are faced with a decision. In the past you might have learned that you had to give up things that you cared about in order to survive.
When you believe you have limited options, your dreams seem very unreachable. You fall into a trance that convinces you that if you say “yes” to something that makes you feel alive, you must say “no” to something else that is also important.
The sad fact is that this way of thinking takes away all of your innate resourcefulness. Inside of you is a creative wisdom that can find many more possibilities than just two options. Your inner wisdom is certain that you can make money and express your creativity, that you can have time for yourself and take care of your loved ones, that you can be in an intimate relationship and maintain your autonomy.
Often the voice of fear and limitation speaks so loudly, it can be challenging to hear that inner knowing. One way to create more space for creative thinking is to question your assumptions. If you find yourself in the “either/or” trap, try the following exercise:
- Write out exactly, word for word, the dilemma you are experiencing. Something like this: “If I take the teaching job, I won’t be able to be a writer. “
- Brainstorm all the possible alternatives. For example: I could look for a teaching job more related writing. I could use my experiences as a teacher to gather more ideas for my writing. Since school is out in the summer, I could write full-time in the summer…. And so on.
- Ask the most creative, open-minded person you know for insight about your situation. Often having another perspective can be the key to uncovering a win-win solution. Don’t run your dilemma by anyone who might reinforce the very limitations you are hoping to challenge.
Often the circumstances where you feel most stuck can lead to your biggest self-discoveries. When you approach your conflicts as opportunities to think even more creatively, you are flexing your inner wisdom muscles. The stronger this inner knowing becomes, the easier it will be for you to find win-win solutions to even the most challenging situations.
Mar 22nd 2010SavannahPersonal Growth
Here are some photos of the Vision Maps (in progress) from our recent Vision Mapping workshop! It was so fun to see the artful intentions that each woman created to add clarity and focus for their goals.
Feb 22nd 2010SavannahBeing Successful & Personal Growth
Often, coaching clients come to me wanting to make changes in their lives but feel either overwhelmed or paralyzed. They have a sense of wanting to move towards something that feels positive, such as a new career, better communication in their relationships, an exciting new project, more fitness and self-care, etc., yet they don’t understand why they are so afraid and stuck.
Once we begin to unravel the thinking process, a few key issues become clear with most people:
*When considering change, people often focus on the ultimate goal as if it has to happen right now. “But, I am scared to just quit my job and start something new. It feels like jumping into the unknown,” many say. This kind of thinking is definitely terrifying! If you are assuming a career change means that you have to give up something safe and familiar for something completely un-charted, your whole system will naturally revolt.
I find that mapping out the process of change can be incredibly helpful for most people. Because we don’t usually leap from Step A to Step Z, having a clear plan for all the steps in between calms the mind. For a person changing careers, the first step might be something as simple as exploring interests or brainstorming ideas. By starting with something that feels safe and doable (and even fun!) resistance is lowered.
*The sympathetic nervous system responds to change as if it is life-threatening, even when it is not! Any perceived stress can trigger the “flight or fight” response in the amygdala of the brain, a response that was regularly needed to kick us into gear when that tiger pounced out of the jungle, and is still with us today. So that frozen feeling you get when you think about speaking up in a conflict or the heart-racing panic you feel when thinking about your new venture are just natural protective mechanisms.
The easiest way to work with this unconscious reaction to change is to move so slowly that your system does not notice it! If you want to take better care of your body but feel totally overwhelmed at the thought of heading to the gym four times a week, start with walking down the block for five minutes every day. This might seem silly but once you get the momentum rolling and bypass your own resistance, you will create a pattern that is much more sustainable.
*Change brings up our limiting beliefs. For most people, anything risky causes us to open the whole file we keep in our brains about failure, needing to be accepted/loved, being seen/exposed and more. The challenge is that we often believe these messages and they keep us from trying anything that might prove them right. Unfortunately, this can also keep us from trying things that could make us incredibly happy too.
The good news is that limiting beliefs are all in your head. You formed them at some point because they kept you safe but they aren’t serving you anymore. By acknowledging and questioning them and then finding more supportive ways of thinking, you can override this autopilot in your mind. Read more about transforming limiting beliefs.
If you are considering a change but feel terrified or stuck, take heart! Your fear means that you are human like the rest of us! And, with careful awareness, you can move forward despite the inner resistance. Remember, change is actually the most predictable element in your life!
Jan 18th 2010SavannahBeing Successful & Personal Growth
How many times have you wanted to change something in yourself or in your life but were overwhelmed at even the thought of such a big undertaking? Have you ever jumped right into change, only to fizzle out or discover it wasn’t even what you wanted?
Sustainable change often comes from tiny, purposeful steps in a positive direction. My blog for Zenana Spa and Wellness Center today is all about how to Dream Big, Start Small. Give it a read and I bet you will be inspired to take a tiny step yourself!
Nov 27th 2009SavannahBeing Present
My last post on the obstacles to being present generated several questions from my regular readers about what they can do to begin to practice being more mindful. It can be helpful to first remember a time when you had the experience of being present.
We all have had experiences that made us very present and conscious: pleasurable moments of enjoying a meal or treat so much that we were captivated by the flavor, smells and texture; intimate encounters with someone who we love that made us very present in our bodies; heart-breaking losses that brought grief so close, we felt fully immersed in emotion.
I regularly hear clients sharing about painful experiences that made them very present to what is real and important in their lives. From going through cancer treatment to losing a loved one, sometimes pain is a powerful presence instigator.
Can you remember a time when you were very aware of the present moment? It might have felt almost like time stood still and everything around you sharpened. You noticed something you had never noticed before. You experienced clarity and connection to your emotions and body sensations.
It could have been enjoying the most amazing creme brulee of your life or it could have been standing at the altar, staring into your partner’s eyes, but I bet you can remember something that triggered a state of presence for you.
Take a few moments right now to remember an event that made you very present in your body and emotions. Allow yourself to feel the experience as if it were happening now. What sensations do you feel? What is important to you as you immerse yourself in the moment? What do you know with clarity?
What would it take for you to be this present in the very next moment of your life, no matter what is happening?
Oct 17th 2009SavannahPersonal Growth & relationships
As a personal coach for women, I often have clients arrive in my office when they are ready for change. Usually the impetus for change comes from frustration with a relationship, job situation or health challenge.
As humans, we often look outside of ourselves for answers. We think if we can just get our partners to act or think a particular way, we will be happier. If we can only land the ideal job, then everything will come together, including our finances. Or if things weren’t so difficult in our lives, we would feel better.
If I have learned anything about positive change, it is that it comes from within.
In the words of Leo Tolstoy, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
When you are truly ready for your life experiences to be different, start by taking a look at yourself first.
However, for most of us, looking in the “mirror” leads to self-judgment rather than self-empowerment. And here is where it gets tricky! You will never (and I really believe this) make sustainable, positive changes in your life from a place of self-judgment.
Sure, you might go to the gym more often if every time you look in the mirror, you can’t stand what you see. But, this is a slippery slope. Tying your self-worth to being an ideal weight can lead to guilt and self-sabotage. If you want to be more fit and healthy, love yourself just as you are enough to give your body the exercise it needs.
And instead of struggling to get another person to be different, ask yourself : what can I change in myself first? Often the very thing we want from other people is the key to our own happiness when we do it ourselves.
If you are craving understanding from your partner, take some time to look inside and see how you can be more understanding of yourself. Likewise, how can you be more understanding of your partner?
I invite you to consider all the areas of your life that are challenging for you right now. Notice how you might be trying to forcibly change an outside person or situation. As an experiement, consider what you might shift within yourself first. I promise that you will have surprisingly positive results!
Aug 27th 2009SavannahPersonal Growth & Self-Nurture
Did you do the self-limiting beliefs exercise in Part I? If so, what did you learn about the thoughts that limit you and keep you stuck?
The good news is that these thoughts are in your mind and you are the one that gives them power and meaning! That means… you can change them! As a matter of fact, you are the only one who can!
How?
Through a powerful process of inquiry that doesn’t just work with your conscious mind, it allows your deeper consciousness to participate as well.
Step 1: Identify the thought or belief. A common one that comes up with women is: “Taking care of myself is selfish.”
Step 2: Ask yourself: How does this thought/belief make me feel? Thinking that taking care of yourself is selfish is likely to make you feel resentful, tired and cranky. Every time you have an opportunity to rest or nurture yourself, your mind tells you that you should be productive or that someone else needs your attention. If you follow that self-limiting thought, you are going to burn yourself out and not be very fun to be around!
Step 3: Consider: Where did this thought/belief come from? Perhaps you had selfless female role models who never took time for themselves (and maybe made others pay for it later). You might get this idea from cultural beliefs about the way women or mothers should act. Maybe you have a deep feeling of unworthiness that says that you have not earned or do not deserve to take care of yourself. Often women come to the deeper self-limiting belief that says: “I am not worth taking care of.”
Step 4: Be curious: Is this thought/belief 100% true? Does self-care automatically equate selfishness? Most women that I know who are worried about being selfish are the ones who are so committed to their families, work or community that they give and give and give… Selfishness is being so concerned with yourself that you never think of or care for the needs of others. True self-care is simply being in balance: caring for yourself and others!
Step 5: Shift it! If the self-limiting thought is not true, what would be a more honest thought/belief that also reflects your values? Of course you want to care for others and you truly need to take care of yourself so that you have love and attention to share. A new thought might be: When I take care of myself, I have more to give to the people and activities in my life!
Step 6: Take action! What can I do that reflects my new thought/belief? Self-limiting thinking is addictive and we have formed habits that correspond with these thoughts. In order to truly change them, you have to be willing to form new habits. If you are committed to taking better care of yourself so you have more to share with those you love, you might finally listen to your body and start going to yoga. Maybe you are going to let something go that you have been doing out of obligation. Or perhaps you will take some time each week to paint, dance or practice your favorite musical instrument. Chose something that nourishes you!
Transforming self-limiting thinking will change your life and relationships. And, you are doing it as much for those you love as for yourself. When you are not willing to buy into limiting thoughts, you inspire those around you to question their own. If you are a parent, you will be teaching your children to think more positively.
Leave a comment and share what self-limiting thought/belief you are shifting!
Aug 21st 2009SavannahBeing Successful
As a client was leaving my office last week, she turned to me and said: “Savannah, you are a brain organizer.” I looked puzzled for a minute and then laughed when she said, “My thoughts are so clear right now!”
As a Life Coach for women, a big part of my job is supporting clients in uncovering the truth that hides beneath their limiting thoughts about themselves and their lives. Like a professional organizer who comes in and helps you see beneath the piles and stacks to the essence of what you really want to have in your space, I guide my clients to do the same within themselves.
We all have regularly occurring thoughts that block our progress and growth, that tell us lies about our self-worth and that sabotage our relationships. Some are fairly obvious and we only half-believe them. Other thoughts are woven into our consciousness so deeply that we don’t even know they are limiting us.
The first step to freedom from limiting thoughts and beliefs is to become aware of them. For the more obvious ones, this is fairly simple and you probably already question them regularly. “No one likes me” might come to the surface when you are feeling low, but you don’t really believe it most of the time.
But the deeper limiting beliefs can be more difficult to uncover.
Once you understand the common qualities of a self-limiting thought/belief, you will be able to identify and shift them.
1. Limiting thoughts and beliefs are usually based in fear. They often have common themes like: fear of abandonment (I need to make other people happy so they will stick around); fear of deprivation (You should work hard (at a job you hate) or you will end up in the streets); fear of failure (I have to be productive all the time or things will fall apart).
2. They tell us who we have to be in order to be loved and accepted. “If I am my authentic self, no one will really like me.” These thoughts tell you that you are not accepted or acceptable just as you are.
3. They block your progress and keep you stuck. Whenever you are feeling stuck or un-happy, you can bet a self-limiting belief is operating. People are often afraid to take a risk and try something that would be really fulfilling for them because of a limiting belief like: “Things never turn out to be as good as you want.”
Ready to discover some of your self-limiting beliefs? Try the following exercise:
Take some time in a quiet place and contemplate each phrase. Allow your mind to quickly react to each one and take note of what comes to you. Move on to the next phrase only when you feel complete.
I am…
I am not…
Women are…
Men are…
I am good with…
I am not good with…
I will never be able to…
I don’t deserve…
My family…
I always…
I never…
I should…
I have to…
Money is…
Now go through your list and circle the ones that feel self-limiting or that hold you back in life.
Check back next week for Part II where I share an important process for transforming these limiting thoughts.
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