What is the easiest way to fall into it the perfection trap? By comparing yourself to someone else.

The biggest problem with the perfection trap is that it is difficult to escape. Some people live their whole lives inside of it. From the inside, it seems that everything is more difficult and personal connections are complicated. There is a vague sense of longing for more ease, more passion, but the harder you claw your way towards it from inside the trap, the further away it seems.

The world outside the perfection trap is messier. There is more space for error and exploration…and creativity!  Your relationships are more authentic because people can come closer to you.  You are willing to try and learn new things – and even fail – creating more possibility in your life.

How do you escape this tricky trap?

Accept yourself right now, just as you are and be willing to grow. Your imperfections make you who you are instead of a photocopy of an unachievable ideal. Everything you have been through, every sag and scar, your disappointments, quirks and fears, all tell an important story about your experience during your lifetime.

Your true nature shines through only when you are willing to stand in the open.

I have a gift for you: There is nothing wrong with you.  You might have some problems, but that is a natural part of being human.  How you learn and grow from your challenges, rather than hide in the shade of perfection, is the beauty of you.

“Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”— Leonard Cohen

It can be easy to focus on problems. The big brick wall you see standing between you and the man/job/creative venture/ect… of your dreams is hard to miss. But, if you are only looking at that cold, rough surface, you might forget that you have scaled walls before and even have a special skill you can use. Or maybe you are so entranced with how tall the wall is, you don’t take the time to see if it is really as long as you feared. Did you forget about all the friends you have who could hold the ladder while you climb?

The benefits of gratitude are scientifically proven. Robert Emmons of UC Davis performed a series of studies on gratitude with some of the following results:

• Those who kept a gratitude journal exercised more frequently and had fewer physical symptoms
• They had better success with a large range of personal and professional goals
• They were more likely to help someone else or offer emotional support
• A group with neuromuscular disease reported better energy levels, mood and sleep

Is there an area of your life where you would like to have more clarity or fulfillment? Do you have a big change you navigating? If so, make gratitude a regular practice; I promise that it will open your heart to greater possibilities!

When I take time for myself, I am taking away from my family.

if I get married, I won’t be able to make my own decisions anymore.

I have heard each of these statements from clients in my office. They are perfect examples of  “either/or” thinking. This thought pattern tricks you into believing that if you choose one thing, then you can’t also have another.

It is a trap that can be easy to fall into, especially since most of us have a file of previous disappointments that we access every time we are faced with a decision. In the past you might have learned that you had to give up things that you cared about in order to survive.

When you believe you have limited options, your dreams seem very unreachable. You fall into a trance that convinces you that if you say “yes” to something that makes you feel alive, you must say “no” to something else that is also important.

The sad fact is that this way of thinking takes away all of your innate resourcefulness. Inside of you is a creative wisdom that can find many more possibilities than just two options. Your inner wisdom is certain that you can make money and express your creativity, that you can have time for yourself and take care of your loved ones, that you can be in an intimate relationship and maintain your autonomy.

Often the voice of fear and limitation speaks so loudly, it can be challenging to hear that inner knowing. One way to create more space for creative thinking is to question your assumptions. If you find yourself in the “either/or” trap, try the following exercise:

1. Write out exactly, word for word, the dilemma you are experiencing. Something like this: “If I take the teaching job, I won’t be able to be a writer. “
2. Brainstorm all the possible alternatives. For example: I could look for a teaching job more related writing. I could use my experiences as a teacher to gather more ideas for my writing. Since school is out in the summer, I could write full-time in the summer…. And so on.
3. Ask the most creative, open-minded person you know for insight about your situation. Often having another perspective can be the key to uncovering a win-win solution. Don’t run your dilemma by anyone who might reinforce the very limitations you are hoping to challenge.

Often the circumstances where you feel most stuck can lead to your biggest self-discoveries. When you approach your conflicts as opportunities to think even more creatively, you are flexing your inner wisdom muscles. The stronger this inner knowing becomes, the easier it will be for you to find win-win solutions to even the most challenging situations.

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