If I accept the job as a teacher, then I will be giving up on my dream as a writer.

When I take time for myself, I am taking away from my family.

if I get married, I won’t be able to make my own decisions anymore.

I have heard each of these statements from clients in my office. They are perfect examples of  “either/or” thinking. This thought pattern tricks you into believing that if you choose one thing, then you can’t also have another.

It is a trap that can be easy to fall into, especially since most of us have a file of previous disappointments that we access every time we are faced with a decision. In the past you might have learned that you had to give up things that you cared about in order to survive.

When you believe you have limited options, your dreams seem very unreachable. You fall into a trance that convinces you that if you say “yes” to something that makes you feel alive, you must say “no” to something else that is also important.

The sad fact is that this way of thinking takes away all of your innate resourcefulness. Inside of you is a creative wisdom that can find many more possibilities than just two options. Your inner wisdom is certain that you can make money and express your creativity, that you can have time for yourself and take care of your loved ones, that you can be in an intimate relationship and maintain your autonomy.

Often the voice of fear and limitation speaks so loudly, it can be challenging to hear that inner knowing. One way to create more space for creative thinking is to question your assumptions. If you find yourself in the “either/or” trap, try the following exercise:

1. Write out exactly, word for word, the dilemma you are experiencing. Something like this: “If I take the teaching job, I won’t be able to be a writer. “
2. Brainstorm all the possible alternatives. For example: I could look for a teaching job more related writing. I could use my experiences as a teacher to gather more ideas for my writing. Since school is out in the summer, I could write full-time in the summer…. And so on.
3. Ask the most creative, open-minded person you know for insight about your situation. Often having another perspective can be the key to uncovering a win-win solution. Don’t run your dilemma by anyone who might reinforce the very limitations you are hoping to challenge.

Often the circumstances where you feel most stuck can lead to your biggest self-discoveries. When you approach your conflicts as opportunities to think even more creatively, you are flexing your inner wisdom muscles. The stronger this inner knowing becomes, the easier it will be for you to find win-win solutions to even the most challenging situations.

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I see it every week: A woman comes into my office with a vague sense of discontent. Her life is going fairly well but something is… missing. She considers changing careers, worries about the longevity of her intimate relationship and is struggling to take better care of herself.

She often feels “stuck,” but is not sure why.

She thinks she is coming to see me for support in rearranging her external life: accomplishing her goals, making a plan for a new career or venture and  getting some accountability for changes in diet and exercise.

As we work together, she discovers some core thoughts and beliefs that lead directly to her feelings of dissatisfaction. Before she changes jobs or leaves her husband, she needs to change her thinking.

New research backs up a basic principle of coaching: Changing your thinking patterns literally leads to changes in the brain, positively impacting emotional health.

Time Magazine’s recent article, “How The Brain Rewires Itself,” looks at several studies on the amazing “neuroplasticity,” the ability to change structure and function based on experience in the human adult brain.

“The brain can change as a result of the thoughts we think, as with Pascual-Leone’s virtual piano players. This has important implications for health: something as seemingly insubstantial as a thought can affect the very stuff of the brain, altering neuronal connections in a way that can treat mental illness or, perhaps, lead to a greater capacity for empathy and compassion. It may even dial up the supposedly immovable happiness set point.”

Most of my clients find that once they shift their thinking, their external reality changes as well.

But, it happens more naturally and easily in response to the inner changes. After they “change their minds,” they typically have a greater sense of clarity about what they really want!

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I am reading a very thought-provoking book right now. Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids, and Life in a Half-Changed World by Peggy Orenstein is based on 200 interviews with women between the ages of 20 and 45 about the choices that they are making in a world only half changed by feminism.

While these women have so many more opportunities than women did three decades ago, they are still very conflicted when it comes to navigating the myriad of decisions around career and family life.

When to get married and have kids, how to move forward in their careers while making time for their families, how to “share” household and child care with busy working husbands…or even not to have kids and just focus on career. And some moms decide to stay home with young children but feel left behind and misunderstood by a world focused on achievement.

One issue with this book is that it only focuses on a small sub-culture: white, highly educated, heterosexual, middle to upper class women. The other thing that was missing for me was an exploration of the bigger picture. Why is our culture so focused on achievement and money at all costs? What would change if feminine power was acknowledged instead of women being expected to operate the same way a man would? Would our world be kinder and less violent?

Flux is a fascinating read because it offers intimate glimpses into the women’s lives and stories. Orenstein doesn’t try to come up with any solutions, but does suggest that equality would be better served by men taking on more child-raising and household tasks and work environments being more family-friendly.

I know that there isn’t one way that will work for every woman and her family. I have found that when we listen deeply to our hearts and inner wisdom (rather than what society tells us we should be doing) we will always find the answer.

How do you make choices in your own life around career and family?

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Is there someone in your life who you think doesn’t see you for who you are or accept you just as you are? How do you feel when you spend time with this person?

When you are relating to people who judge you or don’t get you, you might hold back from being your authentic self. This a natural self-protection measure. Let’s be honest: it can be a real challenge to be yourself when you don’t feel accepted.

But have you ever thought of being grateful to this person?

That’s right, grateful!

Relationships where you feel judged or not fully accepted can be very illuminating. The degree to which you give your power over or hold back aspects of yourself with others is a perfect mirror for your own insecurity.

Think about a relationship in your life where you feel judged and it really upsets you.

• What specifically do you feel this person believes about you?
• What connections do you see between this belief and other areas of your life?
• What is your biggest fear about this belief?

Feeling upset in a relationship can call your attention to an opportunity to heal an inner conflict. It is often easier to blame feelings of being judged on others but without an inner conflict, there wouldn’t be such a powerful trigger!

The real healing happens within yourself. When you fully embrace who you are and accept yourself, you find you care less about the acceptance of others. Of course as humans who love relating with others, we enjoy being appreciated and cared for just as we are! And the more you accept yourself, the more of these supportive relationships you will attract into your life.

So the next time you find yourself reacting strongly to the perceived judgment of someone else, dig a little deeper. You might discover a self-limiting belief, a hidden inner conflict or even an aspect of yourself waiting to be embraced.

You might even discover gratitude for another opportunity to heal on your journey to wholeness!

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