In my current Work & Life Harmony, group coaching for busy mamas, we have been talking about guilt and how it affects our relationships and every aspect of our lives.

As mamas, we care so much about our families and tend to identify our personal worth in how we feel about the way we mother our children and relate to our partners. We hold ourselves up to often impossibly high standards and have a hard time letting go of our “failures.”

Motherhood is the hardest job you will ever have and perhaps the hardest one to measure in terms of success and progress. Our children are constantly growing and changing and just when we have it all “figured out,” we have toreinvent ourselves.

Because guilt can be such a confusing and deceptive emotion, I always ask, “What is under the guilt?” You see, this big emotion is generally covering some even deeper and more profound feelings. Often guilt is just the symptom.

What is under the guilt?

• A limiting belief or thought. These are the often unconscious messages that control our emotions and help us to feel stuck and unhappy. A common limiting belief that causes guilt for mamas is: Taking care of myself is selfish. Because we are the nurturers, we often feel bad when we take time away from our children to meet our own needs. But is it true? Is it really selfish to take care of yourself?
• An unmet need. Feelings of guilt and self-doubt can be symptoms of a deep need for more connection with our children or partners or for more time being truly present with the ones we love. The key here is quality not quantity. You could spend all day with your kids being distracted and exhausted and not give them the care you can in one hour of being present and listening.
• An un-lived core value. Sometimes we feel guilty when we are not living up to our own personal values. If you are passionate about communicating compassionately and yet find yourself yelling at your kids, you are likely to feel terrible. Or if you care about creating community but feel isolated and lonely, you might turn that into a story about being a bad mother. The key is to uncover what it is you care about, what is missing,  and focus on simple actions to bring more of it into your life.
• A strong emotion. Often guilt covers deeper feelings like fear, sadness or frustration. We turn these emotions into self-blame when really we are just stressed with our life situation, feeling anxious or worried, or sad. Guilt can be an easier feeling to process because we can just feel bad about ourselves rather than really look at our lives and our own needs.

So, the next time you notice feelings of guilt and self-judgment sneaking in, ask yourself some questions. What am I really needing right now? What am I telling myself? Is it true? What other feelings can I uncover? What do I care about that I am not living up to right now?

And remember, guilt is a universal emotion for mamas. You are not alone. Having heartfelt conversations with other mamas can be very supportive and enlightening. That mama that you compare yourself to, the one that you think does such a better job than you at “doing it all,” she has her days of guilt and self-doubt too!

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I know that you, like me, are choosing to be more conscious in your language, especially in your relationships. But don’t you have those moments when words just slip out? Whether from frustration, distraction or anger, we all use words we wish we didn’t.

What about the words always and never? These two small words pack a powerful punch. My Tranquil Parent article this week is all about the potency of always and never and some good reasons to rethink using them!

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On this historic morning, as I listened to Barack Obama giving his inaugural address, I was struck by his call to action for every American. He calls us each to take responsibility in transforming our county and our lives.

Over the past few months, our collective reality has shifted. Our economy is in crisis, our livelihoods feel threatened and many of our worst fears seem to loom on the horizon.  From global warming to the national deficit, we can no longer maintain the status quo.

“Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.” -President Barack Obama

We are each given the challenge to look at our own lives and ask: “What hard choices have I failed to make? Where have I not lived from my own values, my own truth? What can I do differently?”

If this is a wake up call, what are you waking up to in your own life?

Each one of us makes a difference in the world. From the mother who lovingly cares for her baby to the store clerk who smiles at his customer to the activist who stands up for her beliefs. Each choice, each word, each action COUNTS.

“On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.” -President Barack Obama

While we might worry that we can’t make a difference in our small corner of the big world, the truth is that each time we choose connection over conflict, inspiration over apathy and resourcefulness over exploitation, we do make a difference. And our new President asks us step up and be who we say we are.

“What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility – a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.” -President Barack Obama

So I am rolling up my sleeves and bravely meeting the challenges in my own life. What about you?

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Have you been thinking about your New Year’s resolutions?

Many people consider the New Year to be a fresh start and the perfect time to recommit to a healthier, more fulfilled lifestyle. One problem with resolutions is that they often come from a place of self-judgment (I am overweight, I watch too much TV, I should get a better job, etc.) rather than from a place of self-love. Resolutions can also be difficult to keep, have unrealistic goals and set you up for feeling like a failure.

True, sustainable change comes from within. Often, when we make a resolution, we are only addressing exterior changes or habits instead of looking deeper to find the limiting beliefs, unmet needs or negative thought patterns that create the unhealthy behaviors we seek to change.

You may find that for a couple of months you do follow through with your resolutions, but then slowly slide back into old habits. This is because you have not identified or shifted the root cause of the unwanted behavior!

This year, before you make those resolutions, consider the following questions:

1. Why do I want to change this part of my life?
2. What difference would it make if I set this intention?
3. What has been keeping me in this old pattern or behavior? What do I get out of it? Everything we do, including negative behaviors, has a pay-off.
4. What do I need in order to really make this work? How can I make this goal more reasonable?
5. Which of my strengths or skills can I use to be successful? Who else can help me?
6. What is the most loving, positive way I can frame my intention?

Choose intentions that make you feel positive, hopeful and empowered. Make sure they are also realistic and that you actually believe them. You are not going to get very far with a resolution that you doubt. For example: If “this year I am going to make a million dollars” feels possible for you, then go for it. But if you are trying to convince yourself, chose something more reasonable! Instead, try “this year I will increase my income by at least 20%.” And then make a list of ways to achieve that goal.

Be very mindful of your language. Losing weight is the most common New Year’s goal. But remember, anything you lose must later be found! Instead, focus on your goal. I will reach my healthy weight of 145 pounds is much more affirming! Then consider all of the lifestyle changes that it will take to reach this goal, including self-acceptance. You have to start with loving yourself, right as you are today.

And use language that is positive. Instead of saying what you don’t want to do: I won’t yell at my kids anymore, say what you will do: I will speak to my children with respect and leave the room when I cannot. Spend some time understanding what you need in order to have the patience to live this intention every day.

While the New Year is a great time to recommit to your best life, remember that each moment you have a choice with every action and thought, all year long. If in a few months you find yourself losing ground with your goals, just start over. There’s no reason to wait until 2010!

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Have you found yourself focusing on some scary what ifs? lately? In a climate of change, many people are fearing the worst. What if I lose my job? What if we can’t pay our bills? What if I have to go back to work waiting tables?

I was talking to my Personal Coach the other day about some of my own concerns and she challenged me to play the What If? Game!

Here is how it works:

• Take a sheet of paper and write out all the scary what ifs?. Really admit to yourself exactly what you are afraid might happen. If you have a partner, it would be really powerful to do this together.
• Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that go with the scary what ifs? and acknowledge the reasons you have these fears.
• Then take the page and burn it, shred it, send into oblivion.
• Then take a new, fresh page. Right out all the other what ifs?. You know the ones that are also possible… What if you get a raise? What if you have a new idea in your business and your clients love it? What if every day is filled with the joy of being with your kids and you find more supportive connections in your community?
• Allow yourself to feel what your life would be like if these possibilities were true!
• Then, challenge yourself every day to take an action, however small, towards making these reality.

You see, we don’t really know the future. Unless you are way more psychic than me, you don’t know what could happen in your life. Yes, maybe some of the scary what ifs?. But also maybe some of the really positive ones. And the thing is, I believe that where ever you focus your attention, your creative energy follows. If you don’t know what might happen, why not focus on what you would love to have happen?

I am not suggesting you sink into denial or become an overly positive, head-in-the-clouds person. I think you can be very grounded and also keep your attention focused on the possibilities by being present with the every day, current reality of your life while moving towards your intentions.

So, go ahead. Play the What If? Game!

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