By Zohar Manor-Abel, shared via Flickr

To begin 2012, I have a simple question for you: Who do you want to be this year?

You, like everyone else I have met through my life coaching practice, have many different selves inside. You might have a worried self that tends to agonize about money and a jaded self that feels skeptical about getting too close to people and a hopeful self that wants to have an impact on the world…and many other selves that have conflicting feelings.

The themes might be different for each of us, but the truth is clear: moment to moment, we can choose who to be.

Every action you take and attitude you hold comes from some version of your self. So, change who you are being…and you truly change your life.

The very first step is to be mindful (pay compassionate attention) to who you are being. You might ask yourself: How do I feel right now? What does this version of myself believe? What else feels true?

If you would like to explore this more, I invite you to join my next Self Nurture Women’s Group. We will practice important skills like: mindfulness, self-compassion, connecting to inner knowing and more!

Over the years of working with my life coaching clients, I have realized something very simple, yet profound: giving and receiving both require being open.

In order to freely gift another person with your time, energy, money…you must be willing to open your hands and let go.

Likewise, to receive requires you to open your arms and heart to the gift that is being given. Gratitude is an expansive feeling.

Photo by jonathan.hadiprawira, shared via flickr

This brings to mind the beautiful poem by Rumi entitled “Birdwings”

“Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror up to where you’re bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead, here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. if it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings.”

And yet they are surprised at how hard it is to practice presence.

I often hear feedback along these lines:

I went home and paid attention to how my body was feeling, but it only lasted a few seconds and then my mind was spinning again and I forgot my body completely.

I try to really listen when my toddler talks to me but honestly, I get so bored and then I start to remember all the things I need to get done and I feel distracted.

I want to be present, I really do. But, I just can’t stay focused more than a few minutes and then I find myself worrying about something that might happen or remembering something that already happened. Then I get mad at myself for getting caught up in these thoughts.

Let’s be honest: Being present is not easy nor does it come naturally to those of us raised in a productivity-oriented culture. From the minute we are born, we learn that our value is measured by what we accomplish, the items we check off on our many To-Do lists. Life moves so fast, we spend much of our time processing what happened in the past or stressing out about what is coming up in the future.

Before you get too hard on yourself about what a failure you are at being present, it is helpful to look at the obstacles you might be experiencing.

Common Obstacles to Being Present:

1. You are not sure how to do it! Often people are confused by what it means to “be present.” Because it is not something most of us have learned from an early age, it feels foreign to us.

“Mindfulness practice” can be a very helpful tool. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a well-respected mindfulness teacher, says: “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”

Sound easy? It’s not! Being mindful is consciously bringing your attention and awareness into the present moment while observing the emotions, thoughts, sensations, memories and judgments that come up. Instead of reacting to what arises, mindfulness practice invites you to witness your feelings and thoughts while staying rooted in the present experience.

For most of us, it is helpful to have some guidance when beginning mindfulness practice. Working with an experienced teacher or coach, reading books that offer helpful tools or listening to CDs can be very supportive and instructive.

2. Something needs your attention. It can be difficult to be mindful when you are avoiding something that is demanding your attention. When you have unspoken words that continue to surface in your mind or a painful memory that needs healing, you are continually distracted from the present so that you can pay attention to what needs to be completed.

3. You have unmet needs in the moment. Perhaps you are trying to be present with your child, but your back is screaming in pain. Or you want to listen to your partner, but you are feeling triggered and reactive and just need a break. Being mindful is often about being honest. If the thing you are most present to in this moment is an unmet need, tending to that will make you more available in the long run.

4.  You are stuck in an addictive pattern. Perhaps you are a chronic worrier or in a cycle of anxiety. Or you get sucked into the computer or TV and can’t seem to stop checking your email, Facebook or the news. Maybe your identity is very attached to being productive and taking the time to pause and reflect in the present feels impossible. In Buddhism, the busy, untrained mind is called the “monkey mind” and is considered the cause of much suffering.

Like any addiction, chronic busyness (in thoughts and action) takes awareness and commitment to change. And the first step is just realizing that it is an actual problem, not just a state of “being busy.”

5. You don’t realize the benefits of being present.What percentage of your life are you actually awake and alive to the present moment? Most people spend only a fraction of their time actually in the moment they are living. But the reality is that if you want to make any positive impact in your life, it is going to happen in the present!

By practicing presence and mindfulness, you are better able to make empowered choices, access inner clarity, change habits and learn to trust yourself.

Take some time this week to discover your own obstacles to being present and then take action: get in the present before it passes you by! Check back for a post on some simple steps to begin your mindfulness practice.

If so, you are a lot like me! I have always struggled with the delicate balance between doing and being. Because I write a blog about mindfulness in mothering, you might assume that I am a master of meditation and mindfulness.

WRONG!

I am the one who needs every single one of my own reminders. I write this blog for myself more than anyone!

Yes, I have taught yoga, given over 500 massages, gone on Vipassana Retreats, led hundreds of meditation and mindfulness exercises. I even offer body-centered coaching to help my clients calm their minds and connect with their bodies.

And still, I am learning. For me, it is a daily practice.

In Buddhism, this busy mind is called the monkey mind. Imagine a room, full of screeching monkeys! It is restless and unsettled, never content in the present moment. It creates anxiety, feelings of dissatisfaction and distraction. The monkey mind will always have you doubt yourself.

My Self Nurture practice today was to focus my thoughts on being present in the moment.

Did you know that we have an average of 60.000 thoughts per day? And many of those thoughts are fears about something that might (or might not) happen, assumptions about what other people think about us and self-limiting beliefs. No wonder we get so stressed!

So today when my mind wandered away from focusing on present time, I gently nudged it back. When I remembered…Because you know how quickly the monkey mind takes over!

Here are three questions that inspire present-time thinking:

1. What am I feeling (emotions and sensations) right now?

2. Where is my attention?

3. What do I need to be more present in this moment? Sometimes it is simple like a glass of water or a deep breath. Other times it is more complex, like completing a task that is distracting me or talking about something this is bothering me.

Being present is an empowering and nurturing practice. Only in present time can I really enjoy my life, connect with my loved ones and take actions that make a difference in my health and well-being.

How are you nurturing yourself today?

While this has brought us incredible innovation and knowledge, we  have also created a society of people who are disconnected from nature, from their own bodies and from each other. We are busy and we are stressed.

As a Personal Coach, I often see clients who are excited about discovering their life purpose. One of the most inspiring aspects of my job is supporting women as they get crystal clear about what they are commited to in their lives!

Unfortunately, we have learned that our purpose is all about what we are doing.

Because of this misconception, we believe that our purpose is our job (teacher, doctor, designer), or the roles we play (mother, daughter, friend) or the actions that we take (feed the homeless, care for sick people, save the world).

But what happens when you can’t get the job that you dream is your ultimate purpose? What happens when your kids leave home? What happens if you can’t save the world?

I truly believe that your purpose is not what you do but who you be. You see, everything that you do is informed by who you are being. When you are clear about your motivations, your values and your gifts and strengths, you can infuse your life with a purposeful being-ness.

And you might notice that you slow down a little, shift your perspective from getting things done to making meaningful connections, and find more fulfillment in your life!

If you want to discover more about your life purpose, join me for the Living On Purpose Coaching Group. The next one starts at the end of April!