Often, coaching clients come to me wanting to make changes in their lives but feel either overwhelmed or paralyzed. They have a sense of wanting to move towards something that feels positive, such as a new career, better communication in their relationships, an exciting new project, more fitness and self-care, etc., yet they don’t understand why they are so afraid and stuck.

Once we begin to unravel the thinking process, a few key issues become clear with most people:

*When considering change, people often focus on the ultimate goal as if it has to happen right now. “But, I am scared to just quit my job and start something new. It feels like jumping into the unknown,” many say. This kind of thinking is definitely terrifying! If you are assuming a career change means that you have to give up something safe and familiar for something completely un-charted, your whole system will naturally revolt.

I find that mapping out the process of change can be incredibly helpful for most people. Because we don’t usually leap from Step A to Step Z, having a clear plan for all the steps in between calms the mind. For a person changing careers, the first step might be something as simple as exploring interests or brainstorming ideas.  By starting with something that feels safe and doable (and even fun!) resistance is lowered.

*The sympathetic nervous system responds to change as if it is life-threatening, even when it is not! Any perceived stress can trigger the “flight or fight” response in the amygdala of the brain, a response that was regularly needed to kick us into gear when that tiger pounced out of the jungle, and is still with us today. So that frozen feeling you get when you think about speaking up in a conflict or the heart-racing panic you feel when thinking about your new venture are just natural protective mechanisms.

The easiest way to work with this unconscious reaction to change is to move so slowly that your system does not notice it! If you want to take better care of your body but feel totally overwhelmed at the thought of heading to the gym four times a week, start with walking down the block for five minutes every day. This might seem silly but once you get the momentum rolling and bypass your own resistance, you will create a pattern that is much more sustainable.

*Change brings up our limiting beliefs. For most people, anything risky causes us to open the whole file we keep in our brains about failure, needing to be accepted/loved, being seen/exposed and more. The challenge is that we often believe these messages and they keep us from trying anything that might prove them right. Unfortunately, this can also keep us from trying things that could make us incredibly happy too.

The good news is that limiting beliefs are all in your head. You formed them at some point because they kept you safe but they aren’t serving you anymore. By acknowledging and questioning them and then finding more supportive ways of thinking, you can override this autopilot in your mind. Read more about transforming limiting beliefs.

If you are considering a change but feel terrified or stuck, take heart! Your fear means that you are human like the rest of us! And, with careful awareness, you can move forward despite the inner resistance. Remember, change is actually the most predictable element in your life!

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Living in the Northwest, I have developed a new relationship with sunshine. You see, I grew up in Texas, where we had more sunny, hot days than I could appreciate. But now, I consider sunshine to be a rare and precious commodity.

When I was a kid on our family ranch in West Texas, we had the exact opposite problem as we do here in Portland, Oregon. We had plenty of blue sky days, but a big shortage of rain. I can still hear my Abuelito’s (Grandfather’s) deep voice saying grace, “Lord, thank you for this food and please send us some rain.” The next day would bring a reminder: “Lord, we still need rain, thanks.”

The dry dusty high desert of Southwest Texas might only get a sparse 10 to 15 inches of rain per year (compared to a generous 40  inches here in Oregon). I can promise you that my Abuelito stood outside, took off his hat and praised the sky for every drop of rain that fed his cattle and crops.

This morning I was reminded of my Abuelito’s pure enjoyment of rain during Nia dance class. For a rare moment, the sun broke out of the heavy cloud cover and shone through the windows of the classroom.  A loud communal holler broke out from the dancers as we were immersed in golden light. Our energy rose, appreciating the joy of the moment.

We might not get much sun here in the Northwest, but we know how to pause and enjoy it when we do.

What feels rare and important in your life right now? Maybe it is time to nurture yourself or it might be time to connect with your  family or loved ones. Perhaps you don’t get many creative bursts these days or not enough sleep, exercise, adventure…the list could go on and on.

Whatever it is for you, I challenge you to learn from my Abuelito. When you do find that rare moment, that precious beam of sunlight, immerse yourself in it with deep appreciation. I promise that you will get more from ten minutes of being fully present than you will get from ten hours of barely noticing.

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How many times have you wanted to change something in yourself or in your life but were overwhelmed at even the thought of such a big undertaking? Have you ever jumped right into change, only to fizzle out or discover it wasn’t even what you wanted?

Sustainable change often comes from tiny, purposeful steps in a positive direction. My blog for Zenana Spa and Wellness Center today is all about how to Dream Big, Start Small. Give it a read and I bet you will be inspired to take a tiny step yourself!

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My last post on the obstacles to being present generated several questions from my regular readers about what they can do to begin to practice being more mindful. It can be helpful to first remember a time when you had the experience of being present.

We all have had experiences that made us very present and conscious: pleasurable moments of enjoying a meal or treat so much that we were captivated by the flavor, smells and texture; intimate encounters with someone who we love that made us very present in our bodies; heart-breaking losses that brought grief so close, we felt fully immersed in emotion.

I regularly hear clients sharing about painful experiences that made them very present to what is real and important in their lives. From going through cancer treatment to losing a loved one, sometimes pain is a powerful presence instigator.

Can you remember a time when you were very aware of the present moment? It might have felt almost like time stood still and everything around you sharpened. You noticed something you had never noticed before. You experienced clarity and connection to your emotions and body sensations.

It could have been enjoying the most amazing creme brulee of your life or it could have been standing at the altar, staring into your partner’s eyes, but I bet you can remember something that triggered a state of presence for you.

Take a few moments right now to remember an event that made you very present in your body and emotions. Allow yourself to feel the experience as if it were happening now. What sensations do you feel? What is important to you as you immerse yourself in the moment? What do you know with clarity?

What would it take for you to be this present in the very next moment of your life, no matter what is happening?

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Often clients come to me with the goal of being more present in their lives. They have a sense of precious moments passing them by, their relationships could use more loving attention, and their bodies are begging them to slow down and be more mindful.

And yet they are surprised at how hard it is to practice presence.

I often hear feedback along these lines:

I went home and paid attention to how my body was feeling, but it only lasted a few seconds and then my mind was spinning again and I forgot my body completely.

I try to really listen when my toddler talks to me but honestly, I get so bored and then I start to remember all the things I need to get done and I feel distracted.

I want to be present, I really do. But, I just can’t stay focused more than a few minutes and then I find myself worrying about something that might happen or remembering something that already happened. Then I get mad at myself for getting caught up in these thoughts.

Let’s be honest: Being present is not easy nor does it come naturally to those of us raised in a productivity-oriented culture. From the minute we are born, we learn that our value is measured by what we accomplish, the items we check off on our many To-Do lists. Life moves so fast, we spend much of our time processing what happened in the past or stressing out about what is coming up in the future.

Before you get too hard on yourself about what a failure you are at being present, it is helpful to look at the obstacles you might be experiencing.

Common Obstacles to Being Present:

1. You are not sure how to do it! Often people are confused by what it means to “be present.” Because it is not something most of us have learned from an early age, it feels foreign to us.

“Mindfulness practice” can be a very helpful tool. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a well-respected mindfulness teacher, says: “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.”

Sound easy? It’s not! Being mindful is consciously bringing your attention and awareness into the present moment while observing the emotions, thoughts, sensations, memories and judgments that come up. Instead of reacting to what arises, mindfulness practice invites you to witness your feelings and thoughts while staying rooted in the present experience.

For most of us, it is helpful to have some guidance when beginning mindfulness practice. Working with an experienced teacher or coach, reading books that offer helpful tools or listening to CDs can be very supportive and instructive.

2. Something needs your attention. It can be difficult to be mindful when you are avoiding something that is demanding your attention. When you have unspoken words that continue to surface in your mind or a painful memory that needs healing, you are continually distracted from the present so that you can pay attention to what needs to be completed.

3. You have unmet needs in the moment. Perhaps you are trying to be present with your child, but your back is screaming in pain. Or you want to listen to your partner, but you are feeling triggered and reactive and just need a break. Being mindful is often about being honest. If the thing you are most present to in this moment is an unmet need, tending to that will make you more available in the long run.

4.  You are stuck in an addictive pattern. Perhaps you are a chronic worrier or in a cycle of anxiety. Or you get sucked into the computer or TV and can’t seem to stop checking your email, Facebook or the news. Maybe your identity is very attached to being productive and taking the time to pause and reflect in the present feels impossible. In Buddhism, the busy, untrained mind is called the “monkey mind” and is considered the cause of much suffering.

Like any addiction, chronic busyness (in thoughts and action) takes awareness and commitment to change. And the first step is just realizing that it is an actual problem, not just a state of “being busy.”

5. You don’t realize the benefits of being present.What percentage of your life are you actually awake and alive to the present moment? Most people spend only a fraction of their time actually in the moment they are living. But the reality is that if you want to make any positive impact in your life, it is going to happen in the present!

By practicing presence and mindfulness, you are better able to make empowered choices, access inner clarity, change habits and learn to trust yourself.

Take some time this week to discover your own obstacles to being present and then take action: get in the present before it passes you by! Check back for a post on some simple steps to begin your mindfulness practice.

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As a personal coach for women, I often have clients arrive in my office when they are ready for change. Usually the impetus for change comes from frustration with a relationship, job situation or health challenge.

As humans, we often look outside of ourselves for answers. We think if we can just get our partners to act or think a particular way, we will be happier. If we can only land the ideal job, then everything will come together, including our finances. Or if things weren’t so difficult in our lives, we would feel better.

If I have learned anything about positive change, it is that it comes from within.

In the words of Leo Tolstoy, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

When you are truly ready for your life experiences to be different, start by taking a look at yourself first.

However, for most of us, looking in the “mirror” leads to self-judgment rather than self-empowerment. And here is where it gets tricky! You will never (and I really believe this) make sustainable, positive changes in your life from a place of self-judgment.

Sure, you might go to the gym more often if every time you look in the mirror, you can’t stand what you see. But, this is a slippery slope. Tying your self-worth to being an ideal weight can lead to guilt and self-sabotage. If you want to be more fit and healthy, love yourself just as you are enough to give your body the exercise it needs.

And instead of struggling to get another person to be different, ask yourself : what can I change in myself first? Often the very thing we want from other people is the key to our own happiness when we do it ourselves.

If you are craving understanding from your partner, take some time to look inside and see how you can be more understanding of yourself. Likewise, how can you be more understanding of your partner?

I invite you to consider all the areas of your life that are challenging for you right now. Notice how you might be trying to forcibly change an outside person or situation. As an experiement, consider what you might shift within yourself first. I promise that you will have surprisingly positive results!

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I am reading a very thought-provoking book right now. Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids, and Life in a Half-Changed World by Peggy Orenstein is based on 200 interviews with women between the ages of 20 and 45 about the choices that they are making in a world only half changed by feminism.

While these women have so many more opportunities than women did three decades ago, they are still very conflicted when it comes to navigating the myriad of decisions around career and family life.

When to get married and have kids, how to move forward in their careers while making time for their families, how to “share” household and child care with busy working husbands…or even not to have kids and just focus on career. And some moms decide to stay home with young children but feel left behind and misunderstood by a world focused on achievement.

One issue with this book is that it only focuses on a small sub-culture: white, highly educated, heterosexual, middle to upper class women. The other thing that was missing for me was an exploration of the bigger picture. Why is our culture so focused on achievement and money at all costs? What would change if feminine power was acknowledged instead of women being expected to operate the same way a man would? Would our world be kinder and less violent?

Flux is a fascinating read because it offers intimate glimpses into the women’s lives and stories. Orenstein doesn’t try to come up with any solutions, but does suggest that equality would be better served by men taking on more child-raising and household tasks and work environments being more family-friendly.

I know that there isn’t one way that will work for every woman and her family. I have found that when we listen deeply to our hearts and inner wisdom (rather than what society tells us we should be doing) we will always find the answer.

How do you make choices in your own life around career and family?

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We all have times in our lives when we get stuck in a “thinking” rut. We have trouble making decisions or tend to answer “yes” and “no” out of habit rather than really following our intuition. Often, when we are feeling stuck, we might not even know how to access our intuition.

The very first step to shifting out of stuckness is to begin to question your “yes” and “no” responses to opportunities, activities and commitments. Life is always offering us choices; being mindful about the ones you are making is key.

My blog post today for Mamapreneurs, Inc will inspire you to think differently about how you respond when choices arise. It might even give you a little push out of your “thinking” rut! I hope you enjoy reading it!

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I am a blogger for the Mamapreneurs.com site and my recent topic is TIME! As busy women, we all wish we had more time. And the truth is, you do! You just need to know where to find it…

Most busy women lose time in the “have-to” activities. We all have them! Things we do because we feel obligated, even though they don’t always match our priorities and we often feel resentful when doing them. Read more about changing your relationship to the “have-to” activities.

One of the most powerful shifts you can make is to view time as an investment. When you are clear that you choose how to use every moment of your day, you are being more honest with yourself! Even doing something out of obligation is a choice.

How are you going to invest your valuable time today?

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As the mama of a toddler and a teenager, I have experienced the challenges and joys of parenting at “difficult” ages. Yes, toddlers are expressive little beings and teens are interested in exploring independence, but with respect and communication, you can maintain a deep connection.

My article in the Tranquil Parent this week is an interview with two mamas who are passionate about spreading the message: Don’t believe the hype! The teen years can be wonderful and magical. Avert a connection crisis – start now to build a trusting relationship with your preteen/teen. Give it a read!

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