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Have you been thinking about your New Year’s resolutions?

Many people consider the New Year to be a fresh start and the perfect time to recommit to a healthier, more fulfilled lifestyle. One problem with resolutions is that they often come from a place of self-judgment (I am overweight, I watch too much TV, I should get a better job, etc.) rather than from a place of self-love. Resolutions can also be difficult to keep, have unrealistic goals and set you up for feeling like a failure.

True, sustainable change comes from within. Often, when we make a resolution, we are only addressing exterior changes or habits instead of looking deeper to find the limiting beliefs, unmet needs or negative thought patterns that create the unhealthy behaviors we seek to change.

You may find that for a couple of months you do follow through with your resolutions, but then slowly slide back into old habits. This is because you have not identified or shifted the root cause of the unwanted behavior!

This year, before you make those resolutions, consider the following questions:

1. Why do I want to change this part of my life?
2. What difference would it make if I set this intention?
3. What has been keeping me in this old pattern or behavior? What do I get out of it? Everything we do, including negative behaviors, has a pay-off.
4. What do I need in order to really make this work? How can I make this goal more reasonable?
5. Which of my strengths or skills can I use to be successful? Who else can help me?
6. What is the most loving, positive way I can frame my intention?

Choose intentions that make you feel positive, hopeful and empowered. Make sure they are also realistic and that you actually believe them. You are not going to get very far with a resolution that you doubt. For example: If “this year I am going to make a million dollars” feels possible for you, then go for it. But if you are trying to convince yourself, chose something more reasonable! Instead, try “this year I will increase my income by at least 20%.” And then make a list of ways to achieve that goal.

Be very mindful of your language. Losing weight is the most common New Year’s goal. But remember, anything you lose must later be found! Instead, focus on your goal. I will reach my healthy weight of 145 pounds is much more affirming! Then consider all of the lifestyle changes that it will take to reach this goal, including self-acceptance. You have to start with loving yourself, right as you are today.

And use language that is positive. Instead of saying what you don’t want to do: I won’t yell at my kids anymore, say what you will do: I will speak to my children with respect and leave the room when I cannot. Spend some time understanding what you need in order to have the patience to live this intention every day.

While the New Year is a great time to recommit to your best life, remember that each moment you have a choice with every action and thought, all year long. If in a few months you find yourself losing ground with your goals, just start over. There’s no reason to wait until 2010!

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Is there someone in your life who you think doesn’t see you for who you are or accept you just as you are? How do you feel when you spend time with this person?

When you are relating to people who judge you or don’t get you, you might hold back from being your authentic self. This a natural self-protection measure. Let’s be honest: it can be a real challenge to be yourself when you don’t feel accepted.

But have you ever thought of being grateful to this person?

That’s right, grateful!

Relationships where you feel judged or not fully accepted can be very illuminating. The degree to which you give your power over or hold back aspects of yourself with others is a perfect mirror for your own insecurity.

Think about a relationship in your life where you feel judged and it really upsets you.

• What specifically do you feel this person believes about you?
• What connections do you see between this belief and other areas of your life?
• What is your biggest fear about this belief?

Feeling upset in a relationship can call your attention to an opportunity to heal an inner conflict. It is often easier to blame feelings of being judged on others but without an inner conflict, there wouldn’t be such a powerful trigger!

The real healing happens within yourself. When you fully embrace who you are and accept yourself, you find you care less about the acceptance of others. Of course as humans who love relating with others, we enjoy being appreciated and cared for just as we are! And the more you accept yourself, the more of these supportive relationships you will attract into your life.

So the next time you find yourself reacting strongly to the perceived judgment of someone else, dig a little deeper. You might discover a self-limiting belief, a hidden inner conflict or even an aspect of yourself waiting to be embraced.

You might even discover gratitude for another opportunity to heal on your journey to wholeness!

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