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Archive for the 'shift-your-thinking' tag
Dec 26th 2008SavannahCommunication
I get a weekly newsletter from an amazing therapist and Non-violent Communication expert, LaShelle Charde. The one this week was so helpful, I decided to post it and share it with you. Please visit her website if you would like to sign up to receive these amazing gems in your own email box!
Family & Holidays
As I sit here on the plane to Denver to see my Mom and sisters, I feel excited. I also know that it will be a testing ground. You, like me, may find that your lifestyle is very different from that of your parents and siblings. This can be fodder for judgment, conflict, and discomfort or it can be an opportunity.
Returning to your family can be a kind of test for your practice of acceptance, compassion, and honesty. You get the opportunity to see where you get caught by your judging mind and where you have let go and don’t react anymore. For example, you might notice yourself thinking or saying things like:
- I can’t believe he is eating that. What about his heart condition?!
- If she wouldn’t spend her money on more stuff, she wouldn’t be in so much debt.
- Mom, you have got to exercise. You’ll feel better if you do.
- How can they watch so much TV?!
- How can they live like this?!
- That perspective (on politics, religion, etc.) is ignorant, I have to educate them.
When you find yourself feeling tense and having thoughts (or speech) like this, it’s a good sign you have been too long outside of your comfort zone. Take a time out in your comfort zone. Maybe going for a walk, taking a favorite book to a coffee shop, laying down for a nap, etc.
Once rejuvenated you can give yourself some empathy for the feelings and needs up for you. Allow yourself to feel grief when you see that your family’s strategies for health and happiness and even connecting with you are not so effective. Return to your authenticity by remembering your core values, intention, and how you are committed to showing up in the world. Loving your family doesn’t mean playing a role to maintain a false sense of harmony. Continue to ask yourself how you can be honest and compassionate.
Remind yourself that your family is doing the best they can. Rather than giving advice offer empathy. Rather than complaining or judging express your feelings, needs, and requests. Then, when you get caught again go back to your comfort zone.
Here’s the short version of this gem:
1. You notice you are judging or complaining.
2. Take a time out and spend some time in your comfort zone.
3. Give yourself empathy.
4. Remind yourself or your values and intention.
5. Re-enter family scene with compassion and honesty.
*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.
**giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others.
***for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
Comments? Questions? Requests for future Gems? Hearing from you is a nutritious treat for me. It inspires me to continue to write gems and write them in a way that really serves. Send me an email or leave me a voicemail 503-544-7583.
Do you think someone else might enjoy this gem? Forward it on.
Looking for previous gems? They are posted on my website http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/
Oct 27th 2008SavannahBeing Successful & Finances
Have you found yourself focusing on some scary what ifs? lately? In a climate of change, many people are fearing the worst. What if I lose my job? What if we can’t pay our bills? What if I have to go back to work waiting tables?
I was talking to my Personal Coach the other day about some of my own concerns and she challenged me to play the What If? Game!
Here is how it works:
- Take a sheet of paper and write out all the scary what ifs?. Really admit to yourself exactly what you are afraid might happen. If you have a partner, it would be really powerful to do this together.
- Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that go with the scary what ifs? and acknowledge the reasons you have these fears.
- Then take the page and burn it, shred it, send into oblivion.
- Then take a new, fresh page. Right out all the other what ifs?. You know the ones that are also possible… What if you get a raise? What if you have a new idea in your business and your clients love it? What if every day is filled with the joy of being with your kids and you find more supportive connections in your community?
- Allow yourself to feel what your life would be like if these possibilities were true!
- Then, challenge yourself every day to take an action, however small, towards making these reality.
You see, we don’t really know the future. Unless you are way more psychic than me, you don’t know what could happen in your life. Yes, maybe some of the scary what ifs?. But also maybe some of the really positive ones. And the thing is, I believe that where ever you focus your attention, your creative energy follows. If you don’t know what might happen, why not focus on what you would love to have happen?
I am not suggesting you sink into denial or become an overly positive, head-in-the-clouds person. I think you can be very grounded and also keep your attention focused on the possibilities by being present with the every day, current reality of your life while moving towards your intentions.
So, go ahead. Play the What If? Game!
Oct 2nd 2008SavannahBeing Present & Finances
I made a TV appearance on Monday morning on the AM Northwest morning show, sharing about how to move forward when you feel stuck. However, there was some bigger news that morning. The stock market plummeted, Congress couldn’t agree to a rescue measure for the current financial situation and people were scared.
Usually after my TV appearances, the phone rings and rings. Monday morning? Nothing. Not one call. Perhaps not many people saw my segment, focused as they were on the other news. Or maybe, they felt frozen.
My coach and I were chatting today about the acronym FEAR: Future Events Appearing Real. What strikes me about the current economic climate is that it is driven by fear. Fear makes people rush to the bank to pull out their money or dash to the phone to sell off their stock. People disconnect from one another, compete for assumed limited resources and base their decisions on what might happen.
So what can you, a person who wants to find equilibrium, do in the midst of this situation?
Be Present.
Do you have a roof over your head and enough food today? Is your family cared for and are your own needs met? While these things are not true for many people in the world, what is your current situation?
Being present means being aware of what you are actually experiencing today, right now, instead of focusing your attention on what might happen. When you are present in the now, you might feel more gratitude than fear. Think of all the times in your past that you have been afraid of what might happen. How many times did your worst fear actually occur? Usually, our minds can create far more terrifying outcomes than reality brings.
Many of your fears are reasonable. You want to keep your job and home. You want to live in a country that is abundant and you want to have opportunities open to you and your family. But do you think your fear and anxiety will bring you closer to these desires?
Set intentions for what you DO want to experience and then take actions in alignment with them.
I am not suggesting that you disconnect from reality. What I do believe is that your intentions are powerful because they focus your thoughts in more positive direction. The way you think influences your emotions and how you feel about your life is expressed through your actions. And your actions have a direct influence on your experiences and outcomes.
A simple intention like, No matter what happens I know that all is well, might allow you to take some deep breaths, focus your attention on all the things that are going well in the present and even inspire you to take action that would have been impossible if you were stuck in fear.
Be clear about your purpose and priorities.
Times of crisis often invite us to focus our energy and become more inventive! When the proverbial poo hits the fan, it is even more important to be clear about what you are doing in your life. When you are living intentionally and in alignment with your purpose, you are much less likely to be sidetracked by fear. You know that whatever happens in the financial climate, you will weather the storm.
I am not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship.
Louisa May Alcott
Connect to your own personal faith.
If you are a spiritual or religious person, you might find your faith tested by your fear. It is much easier to say you trust in God/The Universe/Divine Light when things are going well. During times of challenge, you have the opportunity to really explore, what do I believe? What is this reality all about anyway?
So, I invite you to take a few deep breaths with me (right now) and realize that while you might not be able to control the financial market, you can choose your attitude.
And that might have a lot more impact than you think.
Sep 23rd 2008SavannahSelf-Nurture
Are you feeling stuck in the rut of adult daily life? I invite you to consider that inside each of us is a playful, creative child who is not afraid to express herself. Read my recent post at The Tranquil Parent for more information!
http://www.thetranquilparent.com/detail/invite-your-inner-kid-out-to-play/
Sep 22nd 2008SavannahHealth and Healing & Spirituality
This post is dedicated in celebration to my friend K. who is now home from the hospital and is growing stronger and more healthy every day!
How many times have you thought: Why do bad things happen to good people?
I mean, when we see bad things happening to not-so-nice people, it is just easier to make up excuses like she had it coming or that will teach him (not that I suggest this kind of rationalizing). But what about when a kind and generous person experiences something shocking and challenging?
One afternoon a gorgeous and generous woman is eating a healthy snack, the next day she is in the ICU, fighting for her life, with a rare form of E.coli that is attacking her kidneys and blood. What possible sense can be made of this?
We want to pretend that these kinds of things could never happen to us or our families. Who wants to lie awake at night, imagining that the veggie dip you gave your kids for dinner could be poisoned or that they might get a drug resistant staph infection from running in the front yard barefoot?
We are vulnerable and the world is full of danger. This much is true. But, in order to really live, we have to get up, put on our favorite jacket and go out into it anyway. If we hide in the basement or bundle our kids in bacteria-resistant saran wrap, we might be safer (unless the basement floods or the saran wrap is toxic) but we might not experience much joy either.
This is the nature of our human reality: joy and pain are intertwined in a delicate balance that can leave you stunned and grateful all in one breath. From the moments of pure bliss to the moments of sheer terror, in order to experience the fullness of being alive, you have to be willing to turn your best face to whatever shows up. You might even develop a deeper awareness of your strengths and a trust in the universe that goes beyond what you could have experienced otherwise.
Rumi says it best:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome them and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as guide from beyond.
Sep 15th 2008SavannahCommunication
My toddler and I were at the park the other day, enjoying the last days of our beautiful Portland summer. He loves to swing and the delight on his face as he flies through the air reminds me of the importance of simple pleasure. He can swing for an hour without getting bored or thinking there is something else he should be doing.
How many hours do I pass in such perfect presence?
There was a woman pushing her grandson on the swing next to us. The mother of the toddler stood nearby with her brand new 11-day-old baby in a stroller. As mothers do, our conversation turned to the realities of mothering. The grandmother said she is a pediatric nurse whose job is to answer the call line at a busy clinic. I was fascinated by this.
What do mothers call to ask about the most?
She said, you wouldn’t believe the pressure women feel these days to breastfeed. It is ridiculous. There are many, many women who just can’t. I mean really, what’s the difference? You feed your baby either way, bottle or breast.
I paused.
I care a lot about breastfeeding and believe that while some women just can’t due to a variety of challenges, many women who are struggling just need more resources and support (from someone who believes in them).
In coaching, we often use this tool: connect with the storyteller not the story. This nurse had a very strong story about women and breastfeeding, based on her own beliefs and experiences. And I have my own story, based on my experiences. I could, of course, argue with her. But, I also had the opportunity to really hear her words and connect to the feelings and needs behind them. I took a deep breath.
Are you concerned about how stressed new mothers feel and guilty when they feel that are not successful as moms?
Yes! Other women are so critical of each other. And there are all these books out there claiming the right way to do things. Women need to trust their own bodies.
I feel the same way! In this moment I realized our conversation went an entirely different direction than it would have if we had focused on an issue or ideology. Now we were talking about how much we cared about women and both had a need for them to trust themselves.
Moments like these are so powerful. When I was younger, I was a passionate activist and would argue with anyone about issues I cared about like bicycle commuting, natural childbirth, protecting the environment and more… But often the conversations would be frustrating and end with no one really listening. Lately, I am learning how listening to people with different opinions than mine and finding a way to connect to their feelings and needs is much more productive.
The truth is we all have similar needs. We just have very different strategies for meeting them. And being heard is one of our primary needs as human beings. If you can meet that need, often miracles can happen in understanding and change.
This post was taken from my blog for mamas at www.mindfullymothering.com
Aug 16th 2008SavannahPersonal Growth
Is there someone in your life who you think doesn’t see you for who you are or accept you just as you are? How do you feel when you spend time with this person?
When you are relating to people who judge you or don’t get you, you might hold back from being your authentic self. This a natural self-protection measure. Let’s be honest: it can be a real challenge to be yourself when you don’t feel accepted.
But have you ever thought of being grateful to this person?
That’s right, grateful!
Relationships where you feel judged or not fully accepted can be very illuminating. The degree to which you give your power over or hold back aspects of yourself with others is a perfect mirror for your own insecurity.
Think about a relationship in your life where you feel judged and it really upsets you.
- What specifically do you feel this person believes about you?
- What connections do you see between this belief and other areas of your life?
- What is your biggest fear about this belief?
Feeling upset in a relationship can call your attention to an opportunity to heal an inner conflict. It is often easier to blame feelings of being judged on others but without an inner conflict, there wouldn’t be such a powerful trigger!
The real healing happens within yourself. When you fully embrace who you are and accept yourself, you find you care less about the acceptance of others. Of course as humans who love relating with others, we enjoy being appreciated and cared for just as we are! And the more you accept yourself, the more of these supportive relationships you will attract into your life.
So the next time you find yourself reacting strongly to the perceived judgment of someone else, dig a little deeper. You might discover a self-limiting belief, a hidden inner conflict or even an aspect of yourself waiting to be embraced.
You might even discover gratitude for another opportunity to heal on your journey to wholeness!
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5515 NE 30th Portland, OR 97211 | 503-473-4754
design & development by amy williams design | copyright nurture life coaching 2008 |
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