Archive for the 'shift-your-thinking' tag
May 13th 2009SavannahBeing Successful & Motherhood
As a personal coach for women, I notice a common theme for working mamas is guilt. Most of the mamas I talk to experience guilt at one time or another. Either they feel like that are failing their own standards as moms or they feel like they can’t keep up with the demands of life and business.
Often the women who are the most passionate about their work and families are the ones who fall into the guilt trap most often.
But as you know, guilt is not very productive. It doesn’t make you a better mom or help you think proactively about your life. However, it is a great indicator that it is time to think creatively and shift priorities!
My article today for Mamapreneurs, Inc. is all about why giving up the guilt is good for your family and your business! Give it a read!
May 7th 2009SavannahBeing Present & Self-Nurture
Do you have a busy mind? Do you feel more comfortable being productive, “getting things done” and being in motion? Do you tend to over-think or make assumptions?
If so, you are a lot like me! I have always struggled with the delicate balance between doing and being. Because I write a blog about mindfulness in mothering, you might assume that I am a master of meditation and mindfulness.
WRONG!
I am the one who needs every single one of my own reminders. I write this blog for myself more than anyone!
Yes, I have taught yoga, given over 500 massages, gone on Vipassana Retreats, led hundreds of meditation and mindfulness exercises. I even offer body-centered coaching to help my clients calm their minds and connect with their bodies.
And still, I am learning. For me, it is a daily practice.
In Buddhism, this busy mind is called the monkey mind. Imagine a room, full of screeching monkeys! It is restless and unsettled, never content in the present moment. It creates anxiety, feelings of dissatisfaction and distraction. The monkey mind will always have you doubt yourself.
My Self Nurture practice today was to focus my thoughts on being present in the moment.
Did you know that we have an average of 60.000 thoughts per day? And many of those thoughts are fears about something that might (or might not) happen, assumptions about what other people think about us and self-limiting beliefs. No wonder we get so stressed!
So today when my mind wandered away from focusing on present time, I gently nudged it back. When I remembered…Because you know how quickly the monkey mind takes over!
Here are three questions that inspire present-time thinking:
1. What am I feeling (emotions and sensations) right now?
2. Where is my attention?
3. What do I need to be more present in this moment? Sometimes it is simple like a glass of water or a deep breath. Other times it is more complex, like completing a task that is distracting me or talking about something this is bothering me.
Being present is an empowering and nurturing practice. Only in present time can I really enjoy my life, connect with my loved ones and take actions that make a difference in my health and well-being.
How are you nurturing yourself today?
May 6th 2009SavannahSelf-Nurture
I was inspired and excited by all the comments on my Mindfully Mothering blog from other mamas yesterday about their simple yet nourishing Self Nurture practices!
While reading them, I noticed that many of the acts: drinking a cup of tea, listening to music, window shopping, reading, soaking in the tub…are ones that many of us do regularly. And yet it was the intention and presence these mamas gave to the actions that made them truly Self Nurturing!
My Self Nurture practice today was to create time to connect with people who are important to me. You know how busy life can be…As a working mama, I often get caught up in getting things done and lose track of making time just to connect.
So today I called Sweet boy’s Step-Mama to chat about his upcoming Prom, hear all about his tux fitting and just catch up. I am blessed to have a great relationship with her and Sweet boy is blessed to have two mamas who love him so much!
After our conversation, I sat down and wrote Sweet boy a little card, sharing how proud I am of him and how excited I am for him about his Prom. I wish I could be there to see him shining in his stylish Tux. Then I let myself feel how much I miss him and looked at some photos of him when he was a little guy.
Over the past few years as Sweet boy and I having been living apart, I have missed him every minute of every day. But I don’t often let myself just have the time to sit and experience my feelings of sadness and longing.
So today, I am just missing my Sweet boy and that is the most nurturing gift I can give myself.
How are you caring for yourself tenderly today?
May 4th 2009SavannahSelf-Nurture
Today is the first day of my annual Self Nurture Challenge, leading up to Mother’s Day! I want to encourage and inspire all mothers to consciously choose to care for themselves with tenderness and attention so that they have more energy and presence to give to their lives and families!
Often we think of Self Nurture in terms of our actions: taking time for ourselves, getting regular exercise, keeping up with health-related treatments (like massage therapy or acupuncture), eating healthy… But I love to share about the deeper aspects of Self Nurture.
More than our actions, Self Nurture is about our attitudes.
While actions like eating healthy and exercising are great for you, they are not nearly as nurturing when your attitude is one of “I have to exercise” or “I need to eat salad so I can lose weight.” When your attitude is one of obligation and deprivation, you are not truly nourishing yourself.
Throughout my life, I have struggled with the delicate balance between being healthy and allowing myself to enjoy simple treats and pleasures without guilt.
So, to begin our Self Nurture Challenge, I took myself out for an ice cream cone last night. Standing in line, I noticed a little boy, maybe 5 years old. He was holding a 20 dollar bill in his hand and jumping from foot to foot, eager to order his cone. His freckled face was beaming with delight and and his entire body was alert with expectation.
He wasn’t worrying about calories or wondering if he should be eating dairy right now. He didn’t care if the milk was organic or if the chocolate might keep him up at night. He was intent on enjoying the ice cream with every fiber of his being.
I decided to do the same.
And you know what? It tasted better!
Now, this does not mean that I will make this a weekly ritual. I know that dairy doesn’t agree with me in large quantities and I do like to be mindful about what I eat. But, enjoying (truly enjoying with presence) a yummy treat occasionally is important for my well being!
Every day this week, I will post a new thought or insight about Self Nurture and share my nurturing activity for the day. I invite you to participate and leave a comment with what you are doing to care for yourself this week!
So, how are you nurturing yourself today?
May 4th 2009SavannahSelf-Nurture
Okay mamas, we are gearing up for another Self Nurture Challenge! This is my yearly ritual and it is a lot of fun! This year, we are going to focus on nurturing the four areas of our personal well-being: our bodies, our minds, our emotions and our spirits!
The Self Nurture Challenge will officially begin on Monday and I will post a mini-blog entry every day until Mother’s Day, reminding you of the importance of taking care of yourself and offering some insights into how to make it work in the chaos of daily life with a family!
Here is the challenge:
- Every day, starting Monday, May 4th, engage in at least one self nurturing activity. It can be fast, it can be free, but it has to be nourishing to you.
- Log on to my blog at the end of the day and I will have a daily post up by 8pm detailing my nurturing activity of the day. Leave a comment to share about what you did. Let’s inspire and support each other in caring for ourselves.
In honor of all mamas, I am offering a 20% discount on all integrative massage therapy sessions in May for any woman in the Portland, Oregon area who is actively mothering children (you might be an auntie who cares for kids, a step-mom or even a very busy grandmama). Feel free to pass this on to friends who might be interested and call to schedule your session, they will book up fast!
Stay tuned next week for the Self Nurture challenge and remember, you can subscribe to this blog by email to stay in touch.
Okay, who is going to participate in the challenge for next week?
Apr 27th 2009SavannahCommunication
I have been thinking about assumptions lately and how much they can impact our relationships. While I would like to think of myself as a positive person who is slow to judge, I also tend to over-analyze almost everything! Often I find myself creating elaborate meanings for things that happen without getting information directly from the source.
What happens in your own relationships when you make assumptions? Besides causing you to feel upset and frustrated, they can cause a lot of disconnection too.
And you know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of assumptions. Think about the last time someone made an assumption about something you said or did and it was far from what you intended. How did you feel?
My article in the Tranquil Parent this week is all about how to improve the quality of your relationships with a simple practice: “Assuming positive intent.” Give it a read!
Apr 9th 2009Savannahlife purpose
Our culture is focused on doing. From to-do lists to getting things “done”, our value is often measured by our productivity. The Industrial Revolution (think job specialization and assembly lines) began a new era of technology and progress. And the good old “work ethic” was born!
While this has brought us incredible innovation and knowledge, we have also created a society of people who are disconnected from nature, from their own bodies and from each other. We are busy and we are stressed.
As a Personal Coach, I often see clients who are excited about discovering their life purpose. One of the most inspiring aspects of my job is supporting women as they get crystal clear about what they are commited to in their lives!
Unfortunately, we have learned that our purpose is all about what we are doing.
Because of this misconception, we believe that our purpose is our job (teacher, doctor, designer), or the roles we play (mother, daughter, friend) or the actions that we take (feed the homeless, care for sick people, save the world).
But what happens when you can’t get the job that you dream is your ultimate purpose? What happens when your kids leave home? What happens if you can’t save the world?
I truly believe that your purpose is not what you do but who you be. You see, everything that you do is informed by who you are being. When you are clear about your motivations, your values and your gifts and strengths, you can infuse your life with a purposeful being-ness.
And you might notice that you slow down a little, shift your perspective from getting things done to making meaningful connections, and find more fulfillment in your life!
If you want to discover more about your life purpose, join me for the Living On Purpose Coaching Group. The next one starts at the end of April!
Feb 27th 2009SavannahMotherhood
In my current Work & Life Harmony, group coaching for busy mamas, we have been talking about guilt and how it affects our relationships and every aspect of our lives.
As mamas, we care so much about our families and tend to identify our personal worth in how we feel about the way we mother our children and relate to our partners. We hold ourselves up to often impossibly high standards and have a hard time letting go of our “failures.”
Motherhood is the hardest job you will ever have and perhaps the hardest one to measure in terms of success and progress. Our children are constantly growing and changing and just when we have it all “figured out,” we have toreinvent ourselves.
Because guilt can be such a confusing and deceptive emotion, I always ask, “What is under the guilt?” You see, this big emotion is generally covering some even deeper and more profound feelings. Often guilt is just the symptom.
What is under the guilt?
- A limiting belief or thought. These are the often unconscious messages that control our emotions and help us to feel stuck and unhappy. A common limiting belief that causes guilt for mamas is: Taking care of myself is selfish. Because we are the nurturers, we often feel bad when we take time away from our children to meet our own needs. But is it true? Is it really selfish to take care of yourself?
- An unmet need. Feelings of guilt and self-doubt can be symptoms of a deep need for more connection with our children or partners or for more time being truly present with the ones we love. The key here is quality not quantity. You could spend all day with your kids being distracted and exhausted and not give them the care you can in one hour of being present and listening.
- An un-lived core value. Sometimes we feel guilty when we are not living up to our own personal values. If you are passionate about communicating compassionately and yet find yourself yelling at your kids, you are likely to feel terrible. Or if you care about creating community but feel isolated and lonely, you might turn that into a story about being a bad mother. The key is to uncover what it is you care about, what is missing, and focus on simple actions to bring more of it into your life.
- A strong emotion. Often guilt covers deeper feelings like fear, sadness or frustration. We turn these emotions into self-blame when really we are just stressed with our life situation, feeling anxious or worried, or sad. Guilt can be an easier feeling to process because we can just feel bad about ourselves rather than really look at our lives and our own needs.
So, the next time you notice feelings of guilt and self-judgment sneaking in, ask yourself some questions. What am I really needing right now? What am I telling myself? Is it true? What other feelings can I uncover? What do I care about that I am not living up to right now?
And remember, guilt is a universal emotion for mamas. You are not alone. Having heartfelt conversations with other mamas can be very supportive and enlightening. That mama that you compare yourself to, the one that you think does such a better job than you at “doing it all,” she has her days of guilt and self-doubt too!
Dec 26th 2008SavannahCommunication
I get a weekly newsletter from an amazing therapist and Non-violent Communication expert, LaShelle Charde. The one this week was so helpful, I decided to post it and share it with you. Please visit her website if you would like to sign up to receive these amazing gems in your own email box!
Family & Holidays
As I sit here on the plane to Denver to see my Mom and sisters, I feel excited. I also know that it will be a testing ground. You, like me, may find that your lifestyle is very different from that of your parents and siblings. This can be fodder for judgment, conflict, and discomfort or it can be an opportunity.
Returning to your family can be a kind of test for your practice of acceptance, compassion, and honesty. You get the opportunity to see where you get caught by your judging mind and where you have let go and don’t react anymore. For example, you might notice yourself thinking or saying things like:
- I can’t believe he is eating that. What about his heart condition?!
- If she wouldn’t spend her money on more stuff, she wouldn’t be in so much debt.
- Mom, you have got to exercise. You’ll feel better if you do.
- How can they watch so much TV?!
- How can they live like this?!
- That perspective (on politics, religion, etc.) is ignorant, I have to educate them.
When you find yourself feeling tense and having thoughts (or speech) like this, it’s a good sign you have been too long outside of your comfort zone. Take a time out in your comfort zone. Maybe going for a walk, taking a favorite book to a coffee shop, laying down for a nap, etc.
Once rejuvenated you can give yourself some empathy for the feelings and needs up for you. Allow yourself to feel grief when you see that your family’s strategies for health and happiness and even connecting with you are not so effective. Return to your authenticity by remembering your core values, intention, and how you are committed to showing up in the world. Loving your family doesn’t mean playing a role to maintain a false sense of harmony. Continue to ask yourself how you can be honest and compassionate.
Remind yourself that your family is doing the best they can. Rather than giving advice offer empathy. Rather than complaining or judging express your feelings, needs, and requests. Then, when you get caught again go back to your comfort zone.
Here’s the short version of this gem:
1. You notice you are judging or complaining.
2. Take a time out and spend some time in your comfort zone.
3. Give yourself empathy.
4. Remind yourself or your values and intention.
5. Re-enter family scene with compassion and honesty.
*jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life.
**giraffe refers to shifting into an interest in connecting to the feelings and needs in yourself and others.
***for a list of feelings and universal needs http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
Comments? Questions? Requests for future Gems? Hearing from you is a nutritious treat for me. It inspires me to continue to write gems and write them in a way that really serves. Send me an email or leave me a voicemail 503-544-7583.
Do you think someone else might enjoy this gem? Forward it on.
Looking for previous gems? They are posted on my website http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/
Oct 27th 2008SavannahBeing Successful & Finances
Have you found yourself focusing on some scary what ifs? lately? In a climate of change, many people are fearing the worst. What if I lose my job? What if we can’t pay our bills? What if I have to go back to work waiting tables?
I was talking to my Personal Coach the other day about some of my own concerns and she challenged me to play the What If? Game!
Here is how it works:
- Take a sheet of paper and write out all the scary what ifs?. Really admit to yourself exactly what you are afraid might happen. If you have a partner, it would be really powerful to do this together.
- Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that go with the scary what ifs? and acknowledge the reasons you have these fears.
- Then take the page and burn it, shred it, send into oblivion.
- Then take a new, fresh page. Right out all the other what ifs?. You know the ones that are also possible… What if you get a raise? What if you have a new idea in your business and your clients love it? What if every day is filled with the joy of being with your kids and you find more supportive connections in your community?
- Allow yourself to feel what your life would be like if these possibilities were true!
- Then, challenge yourself every day to take an action, however small, towards making these reality.
You see, we don’t really know the future. Unless you are way more psychic than me, you don’t know what could happen in your life. Yes, maybe some of the scary what ifs?. But also maybe some of the really positive ones. And the thing is, I believe that where ever you focus your attention, your creative energy follows. If you don’t know what might happen, why not focus on what you would love to have happen?
I am not suggesting you sink into denial or become an overly positive, head-in-the-clouds person. I think you can be very grounded and also keep your attention focused on the possibilities by being present with the every day, current reality of your life while moving towards your intentions.
So, go ahead. Play the What If? Game!
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