By Leo Reynolds via Flickr

In my life coaching work with women, I am regularly faced with the honor and challenge of helping clients mitigate the negative impacts of perfectionism.

One of my primary tools for working with clients who are highly self-critical is self-compassion.

An article this week on MSNBC describes recent research showing self-compassion to be much more important to resilience and personal happiness than self-esteem. I see this every day in my office when a client finally, often after years of listening to the internal critical voice, begins to hear a more compassionate ally within.

The cultural focus on self-esteem has misdirected parents to either over-praise kids or push them relentlessly towards performance. According to the article,  “But now scientists are realizing they may have been measuring the wrong thing; all the benefits of having high self-esteem are equally found among the self-compassionate, said psychologist Mark Leary, a researcher at Duke University. And when statistically looking at self-compassion alone, the negative aspects of high self-esteem, such as narcissism, disappear.”

The depression, anxiety and stress of perfectionism also lessen or disappear when self-compassion is practiced.

Kristin Neff, associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin (my alma mater)  is spearheading research on self-compassion. Her book, “Self Compassion, Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind” was published this Spring.

Neff defines self-compassion through three aspects: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.

In my practice, I regularly use mindfulness with clients to help them pay careful attention to their own thoughts, feelings and body sensations. This creates an ability to self-reflect and be more present and takes them out of automatic critical mode.

My understanding of common humanity is simple this: we are all connected and none of us is alone in experiencing difficulty. Normalizing common feelings can be hugely helpful in inspiring self-compassion. It also increases a sense of personal courage to know that other people have similar feelings and experiences.

And kindness is an attitude that must be directed both inwardly and outwardly. The true measure of compassion is not the ability to be kind to others, but the ability to be kind to oneself. And the research is showing this to be absolutely true.

Researcher Mark Leary says,”Self-compassion begins to sound like you are indulging yourself, but we don’t find that. People high in self-compassion tend to have higher standards, work harder and take more personal responsibility for their actions.”

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“I know that will never happen for me,” my client said dejectedly as she described her dream job. “He never listens…I doubt that will ever change,” huffed another client about her husband of 10 years.

My good friend Rev. Susan Leo once said “certainty is the opposite of faith.”

I think she meant that when we think we know exactly what something or someone is, we lose our ability to trust in the mysterious and ever-changing nature of most everything. Our fixed version of reality rarely holds all the possibility that exists.

Doubt can actually be good, especially when it comes to limited ways of thinking. It can create room for exploration and for the kinds of questions that can open doors. Doubt is even helpful when you have an overly positive certainty because it allows you to creatively prepare for potential obstacles.

Doubt can actually inspire deeper clarity.

I describe clarity as the inner knowing that allows you to see to the heart of the matter. That is hard to do if you are clinging to your false notions of what something is or isn’t. The tighter you hold on, the more energy you expend.

Take a moment to think about a challenging area of your life where you feel absolutely certain. What would be different if you allowed some doubt to come into your awareness?

Maybe that person isn’t always going to be so difficult. Maybe they aren’t even as difficult as you assume right now.  Whether you are struggling financially, feel stuck in an unfulfilling job or relationship, or convinced that you don’t have what it takes to create the life you secretly crave, loosen your hold on certainty and you will create more possibilities.

Clients often come to coaching hoping I have the answers to their problems. Thankfully (whew) I do not!  If I did, they would depend on me rather than themselves for clarity.

What I do offer is trust in yourself: that if we ask the clarity-inspiring questions and pay close attention, the answers will always come. And they do. Time and time again.

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In working with busy women, one theme I notice is that they often have trouble asking for and receiving help and support. Many of us identify with being in the role of supporter and nurturer and it can be a challenge to step back and let someone else give us the very thing we give so freely to others.

“Asking for help is a sign of weakness,” is a common limiting belief in our culture. We may not believe it consciously, but it operates on an unconscious level making us feel less than when we can’t do everything (perfectly) ourselves.

The truth is that asking for help is a sign of empowerment and intelligence. Can you really be the successful, fulfilled woman you want to be, the kind of mother, professional, partner and/or community member, without the support and resources that other people can offer?

I wrote an article for the Tranquil Parent about the value of asking for help and how it is actually a gift to others in your life. Give it a read!

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